Wednesday, September 12

Steve Jobs: Shepherd of Sheeple

I am sure by now you are all familiar with the Apple iPhone and its sales record of around 1 million handsets. You are also aware that AT&T was to be the sole network for the iPhone and that the contract that was signed between Apple and AT&T certainly wasn’t in the financial best interests of AT&T. They took quite a hit in regards to the normal operating procedure for wireless providers, allowing Apple to make all the rules and allowing them to track and sell directly to AT&T’s customers. AT&T gladly said yes to the contract because they knew that the Apple sheeple would clamor to the iPhone as quickly as Steve Jobs fires employees.

Now comes some interesting news about the unlocking of the iPhone. When you buy a cell phone it comes locked into a certain carrier’s network. However, by law, the carrier must unlock the phone if requested by the consumer to facilitate things like overseas travel where the carrier is not available. This rarely happens because people don’t know that it’s possible and carriers do their best to keep it that way. Another reason is that most carriers run on different frequencies. So in the US, only T-Mobile and AT&T use the GSM network so an unlocked phone from AT&T only benefits T-Mobile customers and vice versa. Here’s the catch; AT&T paid a lot of money to be the sole provider of the iPhone but it behooves Apple to get as many potential customers as possible.

Apple has said that unlocking the iPhone is nearly impossible due to the configuration of the chips and the sim card. It took less than 3 months for a group of hackers to figure out how to do it, write the code, and wrap it in an application. They were primed to sell it weeks ago but got some friendly phone calls from Apple’s lawyers that delayed the release of their program. Then a week after they announced it would be for sale and began distributing copies for $99. This is where things start to smell like a 2 day old diaper. Days later, after getting their hands on the unlock program, a group of developers rewrote the coding, as not to “Steal” the original, and began giving it away for free.

Strange to me that in all of this the only people that won were in the Apple camp. AT&T is now screwed because to activate an iPhone, you can do it through iTunes, unlock it, and use your current sim card from another provider. The guys who created the original software got very little before this group of developers stole it and began giving it away. The key is that those Apple lawyers were probably able to convince them it was illegal to patent their software thus opening up a freeware version of it once it was released. So the big winner is Apple who now has dramatically increased their customer base by sitting around saying “We locked it up the best we could.” Did Apple purposely make the unlock process much easier than it led AT&T to believe? Did Apple strong arm the original developers so that others could write the software while Apple looked the other way? As of now there are more questions than answers.

Monday, August 27

The Unfriendly Skys

Do you remember back when flying somewhere was actually an enjoyable experience? Me neither. When I was a kid I always wondered why adults hated flying so much. Maybe it’s because I was half the size of a full size adult. Or that I always got to sit in front. Or that I always got on first and got off first. Or that I got all of the attention of the stewardesses because I was always flying alone. I’m pretty sure it’s the fact that airlines suck nowadays. The seats are smaller than the smallest adult can fit in. Then you get screwed by getting a middle seat-the 4 letter word of flying. The food is deplorable. How hard is it to fuck up a snack box? Well I have a box of raisins, wheat crackers and some sort of parmesan cheese spread that says it is possible. I understand the need for me to shut off my cell phone before takeoff. Shit I would ask everyone to shut them off before they get onboard. But asking me to turn of my mp3 player is stupid. I don’t need to learn how to fasten a seatbelt and if my electronic device is interfering with the cockpit then I am pretty sure the terrorists would be exploiting this iPod loophole of security already. Oh the movie will make me feel better about sitting in a lawn chair for 4 hours. It would except that the 6 overhead TV’s are older than I am and the tracking on the VCR is jacked up. Not sure why but I am able to watch an entire season of Entourage on the MP3 player but this multi-million dollar jet doesn’t have a DVD player? Then there is the redeye. What is worse, being awake during one of these 4 hour flights or trying to sleep on one? Nothing like waking up to your face stuck to some blue pleather and hoping the drool on your shirt is yours and not from the fatty next you.

Thursday, August 23

Are You in Pain?

Why do men grunt in the bathroom? It seems like this is becoming a common habit among uncivilized men in public facilities. I’m not sure which grunt is worse; the urinal mini, machinegun grunt or the deep sigh, taking a dump grunt.

The stall grunt seems almost acceptable. Why? Well you are pushing something out of your ass. Second, no one knows who you are so you have complete anonymity to do your best Venus Williams impersonation. The problem is that everyone knows you’re taking a crap. I personally try and draw as little attention to myself when the big dog is scratching at the back door. I am actually embarrassed by a loud fart not overly proud like most men.

The urinal is a completely different story. First off you’re taking a piss. Unless you have a prostate the size of a softball, there really is no effort involved. There is no need to push because it practically comes out on its own once you loosen the levee. The biggest issue I have is the fact that you are out in the open and next to other men. Your grunting and pushing could easily be confused with you diddly oscillating your weiner; something that should never, ever be perceived as happening in a public place. Plus you look like a jackhole since grunting goes hand in hand with the pelvis thrust.

Guys, let’s keep the noises to a minimum in the bathroom.

Monday, August 20

I'm Rich Biatch!

I am going to be a millionaire. You see, I have discovered the secret to losing weight and keeping it off, all the while doing little to no exercise. I have in fact put this new method to use and am now at my leanest weight since high school. I would go as far as to say that I am now an Adonis; a living tribute to the beauty that is the human figure. It was so easy that even Oprah or Rosie could trim those few excess tons with no effort at all. In fact it takes less effort than what they currently use stuffing their chow holes. Are you ready for the secret?

STOP EATING SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD. Let me give you an analogy. If you have a 15 gallon gas tank in your convertible Beetle and you decide that you want to put 20 gallons in it, what happens? That’s right, you get 5 gallons of gas all over you and you’re manly car. If you have a VW Bus that holds 24 clowns and you put 32 clowns in it, what happens? That’s right, 3 dead clowns and a handful of unhappy emergency room patients. So if you stuff 5 pounds of food down your throat but you only need 3 pounds to function for the day, what happens to the other 2 pounds? That’s right; it goes right to your ass. So how does a chubby fix this problem? That’s right; eat 3 pounds of food. Or better yet; 2 and a half pounds and pull the other half out of that fat storage facility that you call your ass.

I know what you’re thinking; “I already knew that smartass.” Really? If you did, then so would others, and thus we would all be in great shape, and not the fattest nation on Earth. That’s why I am going to make millions. I only need to market this as some sort of new fad diet. One that costs a lot of money so it must work. I need a name for it. Something corny but to the point like “Piehole Tightener”, or “Lard Ass Lightener”. I also need some homeopathic vitamins that I can pawn off as “Diet Pills”. That way people get something for their money and thus feel better about their decision. I also need a spokesperson. Someone who was fat but saw the light of eating less and now wants to make money off of hapless, desperate idiots, just like I do. I have lots of work to do.

Friday, August 17

Now For Something Serious

Usually I write about things that annoy me in this blog but today I am going to take a step back and get intellectual on you.

I am sure most of you have seen the recent market debacles that have permeated through Wall Street and were preceded by an invisible Main Street melee that no one has been willing to talk about because it hurts to admit our shortcomings. For those not familiar with the events of the past weeks I will give you a quick synopsis. Basically all of the financial misgivings of Americans have come to a head through a small fissure in the financial system. For the last decade we have lived the American dream of free money. Nearly 65% of Americans own their own home (Of course this concept is a misnomer as very few families actually own their home or ever will). In comparison, our parents worked and saved to own a modest home and actually accomplished that goal. This was the backbone of America. The concept of owning something that took sacrifice to get.

Fast forward to the last decade and America is quite different. Now we own nothing. We simply lease or buy on credit. Then we continue to borrow money using the same asset that we don’t own, but is worth more than when we began our payment process. We use that borrowed money to buy more things that we cannot afford and essentially don’t need. We are a nation of debtors. Normally this would be a good thing for the economy. For credit and financial markets to work there need to be creditors and debtors. The concept has a foundation of one person borrowing from another with collateral being the basis for the security of the loan for both sides. The problem manifests itself when the debtor’s collateral is worthless. This can be seen in the use of credit cards and can be expounded to other areas as well.

People buy all kinds of worthless junk on credit. Obviously a home is not worthless but it is only as valuable as what someone else will pay for it. If you buy something with a non-collateralized loan, your desire to repay it is directly attributable to your value of the item purchased. Which is why so many people don’t pay their credit cards off, no one is going to come and get the stuff they bought because it is essentially worthless in comparison to the debt.

This brings us to the present. Markets worldwide have gone through a liquidity crunch in the last few weeks. This was brought about by two colliding forces. The desire for Americans to have everything they feel they are entitled to and the desire of business to make money in an environment of fewer customers. Just about every American believes they have the right to own a home. Even if they have zero credit or even worse, bad credit, they believe they will always make their mortgage payment. With the increasing level of home ownership in the last 7 years, everyone felt they should own a home. This sense of entitlement ushered out sanity and sound decision making. It lead people who should not be homeowners to demand it as an American right.

This demand for home loans coupled with lender’s hunger for an increased debtor pool, led to a severe loosening of credit standards and an increase in risky loans with low up front payments. So now we have a pool of clean, quality debtors mixing with a pool of toxic debtors. Three years ago this was fine because the toxic debtors could afford their artificially small payments and everyone was happy. More home buyers equals higher home values which led to more home equity borrowing which led to even more customers for lenders. Wall Street loved the continued increase in profits from these lenders as well as the increase in Debt obligations available for purchase. Debt obligations are instruments where lenders package up their loans into large bond issues that they sell to banks and institutional investors. The bonds are rated based upon the credit worthiness of the underlying mortgages and the rates they pay are based on those credit ratings. However as the pool of new debtors decreased, lenders had to loosen their credit restrictions in order to continue to profit from a now shrinking populace of new homeowners and re-financers. Wall Street drove this by continuing to demand these asset backed securities because they yielded solid returns and were considered safe because their origination was from something as rock solid as a debtor’s home.

The collision of the demand for credit by home buyers, demand for high yield “Safe” debt obligations by Wall Street, the decreased credit standards of lenders to meet these needs, and what was an inevitable collapse in home prices has arrived. Normally there is a small default rate built into these securities but when they increase due to foreclosures across the country, the securities lose intrinsic value. Since these were owned by institutional investors all over the world, the ripple effect is obvious, but this was different. We started to see these assets get dumped into the market, lowering their value.

This is exacerbated by hedge funds all over the world that are leveraged and own these assets. Why? Well when a fund is leveraged it is more volatile both positively and negatively. When the value of an asset goes down the fund needs to sell assets to meet its margin requirements. When a chunk of its assets are worthless in the current environment, it must sell assets that are valued. These tend to be equities or bonds that are fundamentally sound. This artificially deflates the values of “Good” investments, thus affecting the entire market. Compounding this is the fact that these debt obligations had proliferated all over the world into all types of funds, which is why we saw a global sell off of equities and a flight to sound investments like government backed assets.

With no one wanting to own mortgage backed securities, they had no inherent value. If investors could not rely on the underlying security of mortgage backed securities then what could they rely on? Who is to say who a sound debtor is? Who is to say that a financial institution isn’t holding a large amount of these securitized assets and thus could fall prey to the pandemonium? All of a sudden no debtor could be trusted and no one was buying debt, and without debt, the financial system worldwide stops. Panic sets in because all of a sudden the rules change.

This is a great example of how changing financial habits can crush the foundation of an economy. Our country went from one of saving and buying with cash to spending and never repaying. Consumption is good for economies but entitlement can be deadly.

I promise to write some dick and fart jokes next week.

Thursday, August 9

Heaven on a bun

This will most likely be the first in a long list of stories I will be posting about my recent trip to Americas heartland. A place where they eat deep fried cows stuffed with deep fried cheese and wrapped in deep fried bacon with a deep fried Snickers bar for dessert.

During the week long trip, I not only flew 4,000 miles but drove over 1,000 miles all over Wisconsin. At one point I pulled off the road to use the bathroom at a McDonalds about 10 miles outside of a city (I use the term city loosely. Also, if you aren’t in the center of a city, you are in the deep country). The first thing I notice is that the parking lot is free of 48oz soda spills, straw wrappers, and dirty diapers. In California we call these items breadcrumbs so you know how to get to the McDonalds or Wal-Mart. After walking through this urban meadow I get to the door and nearly knock my teeth out on the window. There in front of me is a full on replica of a Lake Tahoe living room complete with leather couches, marble floors, a freaking fireplace, and the motherload…..a 50+ inch plasma television. There, right in the McDonalds. In California, if your neighbor even knows you have a plasma TV, they’ll steal it, and yet there was one out in the wild. It didn’t even have a chain on it.

After the nice gray haired gentleman resuscitated me, I went to use the bathroom. Once again Ronald slaps me with luxury. Travertine floors, LCD panels in front of the urinals, toilet paper, and the cus de gras…..a real mirror. Not a shiny piece of metal but a real mirror. I thought restroom mirrors went the way of the dodo bird or Michael Richard’s career. I felt like a great explorer discovering something super cool. I was so impressed I actually got hungry and decided to get something to eat while I was there.

I walked around to the front of the restaurant and couldn’t help but notice how clean it was. I stepped up to order and person listened to me and actually took my order. Then she actually counted out my change. I walked to the soda fountain stupefied when I saw nothing. That’s right, no wrappers, no used lids, no spilled soda, no mold in the tray, and no rude customers. The soda fountain steel was shinier than the steel bathroom mirrors back home. Before I knew it, my order was ready. It was fresh. Not, it’s only been sitting around for 10 minutes fresh but just made fresh. I opened it up and the food looked like real food. The chicken was real, the lettuce was real, and the cheese was real (Maybe it was Wisconsin cheese, just made for me that morning).

I walked aimlessly outside to my trusty steed. I felt like I was just slapped by the softest most wonderful pillow in the world. One that smelled of clean mountain air and French fries. This, my friends, was heaven on earth. Thank you Ronald, Hamburgler, Grimace, and most of all the man in charge, Mayor McCheese.

Tuesday, August 7

Don't Drink and Fly

It has been a long time since I threw some fonts at you oh gentle reader but I’m back and have a list of subjects as long as a chicken’s talons. So let’s get to it.

I recently made a trip out to God’s country for a family reunion (God owns the land but the devil must own the weather). I won’t get into details in this entry except for a story from the airport. We arrived at the airport a little early for our redeye flight so my stepdad and I head over to the bar for a beer. We sidle up to the bar with him on the left and myself between him and the waitress pass. Across the pass is a typical San Francisco hippie woman with her iMac laptop on the bar and a stumbling, loud drunk next to her.

We ordered our drinks and started talking to the bartender, all the while Barney is yakking in a voice that is not only louder than the boos Barry Bonds hears everyday but is also almost indecipherable. I catch small pieces of the conversation like how he partied in SF the night before and he was heading out to the ATL to party tonight.

Thought number 1: If you refer to a place by it’s airport code, you’re a douche nozzle.
Thought number 2: If you talk to a stranger about your partying in a bar, you’re an asshat.

Now that we have noticed Barney and can’t seem to shake him from our peripherals, we decide to make fun of him. That lasted 30 seconds until he decided to take his shot glass full of whiskey out into the terminal. Bartenders don’t seem to like people taking booze outside of the bar, I’m not sure why, maybe it’s the whole illegal part. Immediately the bartender yells at him to get back in the bar and Barney complied by storming back in and slamming his shot and then the glass it came in. The bartender volleyed back with the “That’s it you’re done, get out.” Which was followed by a stream of F-bombs and some other words that seemed to be fighting themselves to get out of Barney’s mouth for fear of alcohol poisoning. The bartender then threatened to call the cops and Barney left dropping bombs all the way down the terminal. Conveniently his gate was between ours and the bar and luckily his flight was delayed 2 hours.

The bar becomes a knitting circle in seconds and everyone starts making fun of Barney. About five minutes later the bartender notices that Barney left his boarding pass. Fantastic! Now he won’t be able to party in the ATL. Another five minutes goes by and like Waldo in a sea of stripes, he is poking around the bar looking for his boarding pass without the bartender seeing him. Once he realized that his reconnaissance mission was a failure, he left the bar with F-bombs trailing in his wake.

So now Barney is screwed. He can’t get on the plane without a boarding pass and if he goes to get another one, the podium jockey will see that he is tossed and refuse to let him on the plane. Plus it is now 11:00pm. You would think that this couldn’t get better but five minutes later we found his business card that he had given to the hippie girl. We then found his corporate credit card. Now he has to explain to his boss why he has an entire round of drinks for the whole bar on his card.

Wednesday, March 21

Table Nazis

So I just got back from a nice little trip to NYC. During that time I ate at more restaurants than I can remember. Which led to this observation; why do people sit at a table long after they have paid their check while there is a large line waiting. Now go with me for a second. Here is the story of the worst offender.

We had a party of 4 and a reservation for 7:45. We should up early hoping to score a table early since we were tired from walking. We walk into the establishment and it is pretty crowded. No worries, we have reservations. So we get the “10 minutes, sir” routine for over an hour. The entire time we are waiting we are noticing people that have paid their check, have nothing to eat or drink, and are still at their table. By the time we are seated the restaurant is absolutely packed. This is a pretty happening place and getting a reservation on short notice is pretty tough.

So we order our meals and some drinks and notice the table next to us is done and has their check. Since we were now keeping score on these types, we watched them. All in all they spent another 45 minutes (No joke) at the table. Finally when the busboy took their water glasses and began clearing the table, they left in a huff. We asked the manager of the place what he does to those types since his reservations are backed up and people like this, who are doing nothing more than talking, stick around and waste tables. He said he usually politely asks if he can buy the guests a drink at the bar but tonight the bar was packed so he couldn’t. We asked why he doesn’t just ask them to leave. He gave the PC answer of not wanting to offend people.

Keep an eye out for these people. I think they mostly hang out in metro areas but all of them must be punished. So all you table huggers, watch out. We the people will start standing up for our tables and take back our reservations from the pudgy grasp of the table mongers.

Wednesday, February 14

Cupids Arrow

Today is one of the greatest days of the year. I love Valentines Day. You get to see all of the single people get excited about dates they have that night, only to hear their stories of dismay that the night was terrible. You also get to see people who are in relationships try and do something nice for their significant other, only to see their disappointed face the next day when they tell you that it wasn’t what they wanted.

One thing I don’t understand is who the hell is buying those Valentines baskets that are sold by illegal immigrants on the side of the road? What guy tries to bring that home to their spouse and pass it off as thoughtful? Oh look honey, here’s a plastic woven basket with some Necco hearts and a teddy bear that has lice and a bad case of crabs. Not sure how that works.

And to the guy who decided to wear a pink Bill Lumberg shirt to work today; I hope your boyfriend enjoys eating the Shari’s Berries you bought for him while he’s testing your wind tunnel.

Friday, February 9

Thanks

Well today is the one year anniversary of the greatest blog in the world. I wanted to thank everyone for reading over the last year and all the new people in the last few days. Of course I will continue to supply you with new venomous rants on as close to a daily basis as possible. With the new book getting published and a new one already in the works, you will have no shortage of great potty time humor. Enough sentimental crap; keep fighting the good fight and join your local chapter of POOP today.

Thursday, February 8

1 in every 2 People Are Stupid

Did you know that 1 in 5 people have herpes? Did you know that the average man has slept with 19 women and the average woman has slept with 16 men? That means that everyone in the world has been exposed to herpes. Don’t you love stupid nonsense primetime news facts? I have heard that more people die of bee stings per year than shark attacks. I have also heard that no one wins the California Lottery whose last name is Smith. So if you’re white and die of a bee sting, you shouldn’t swim in the ocean but you should play the lottery.

Back to the original thought; If 1 in 5 people have herpes how is it not 1 in 1? So if I go to an NFL game, that means that 15 thousand people there have herpes? So you’re telling me that 50 million people have herpes in America. I understand that herpes isn’t necessarily an STD. You don’t have to have a boil on your bologna. You can have it via cold sores and crap. Still, I don’t see that many people rolling around town with oozing sores on their face.

I propose that either we completely do away with the “1 in whatever” scientific study or we should all be able to use it however we want. So if I want to say that 1 in 2 Americans is a loud mouthed, blowhard, douche nozzle, it should be taken as gospel and shouted from on high. Or if I say that 99 out of every 100 people named Paris Hilton are disgusting, oozing, Petri dishes, then that should be considered true.

Wednesday, February 7

POOP: People Offended by Offended People

Isn’t this a great time to be alive? We live in an age where we can do a hundred things at a time and still have some free time to spend 3 hours surfing the internet or writing stupid blogs. I am sure by now everyone has seen the Snickers commercial where two bumbling mechanics try there best to deepthroat the Snickers bar before the other one can eat it. In the process they end up getting their lips stuck together and have to do something manly to make themselves feel better. Now the hypocrite gay rights organizations say that the commercial is prejudice against gays.

Let me break it to you turd burglars. No one gives a shit about your agenda. No one gives a shit about your feelings. And no one gives a shit that you may be offended. If your goal was to get equal rights for gays, you accomplished it years ago. People don’t hate gays. People hate the gay agenda. People are sick of being told they are homophobic because they don’t want to see two furry bears butt fuck each other on primetime television. The fact that I know that there is a term “Bear” for the big guy in the relationship means that you have succeeded. Now leave us alone. We don’t need you to shove your agenda down our throats.

Much like I don’t want to hear about the plight of Muslims in America, women’s rights, or some whiny ass white guy complaining about reverse discrimination. Get over it. You want to be accepted? Then go and lead a normal American life where people keep to themselves and worry about work, family, and how to get dinner on the table. Stop fucking with what I see on TV. If you are offended, change the channel. It takes less energy to press the button then it does to rally the troops to a bitch session. If anything, you won. You got a major corporation to pay 2.6 million dollars to show two guys kissing during the Super Bowl. How much more exposure could you ask for?

It is now time for America to stop worrying about what other people are doing and saying. Everything in this country is offensive to someone. Let it go! This brings me to finally bringing to light my new cause. I know it sounds hypocritical but this new regime can end all of this nonsense. I have to give credit to the Godfather of this movement, the great Chavez. Not the screwball “President” of Venezuela but the self proclaimed President of sanity. His movement is called POOP.

POOP stands for People Offended by Offended People. The title says it all. It is a change in the thought process of America. Instead of people complaining about whatever their pet project is and getting worked up enough to rally the lawyer army, it is bent on destroying those people. If someone in America is offended, so are we, but at them for being offended. If you can’t get a spine and realize that people are going to believe what they want without your annoying agenda, then you will be the victim of the POOP Army. We are committed to ridding America of whiny panty waists. We are committed to squashing the pariahs of complaints. We are committed to destroying the regime of terror that is Big Sister. Big Sister is like Big Brother except it is run by the cry baby underlings of America. The ones who complain about the way people act while doing the same thing. So join the POOP movement. Take a stand against the oppressors of freedom, the offended.

Tuesday, January 30

Put it Down Monkey

This one has been beaten to death but I still don’t think the dancing monkeys have quite caught on yet. When you are piloting your 4,000 lb motorized vehicle you should put the cellular telephone down. I don’t know how else to say this so it won’t just rattle around your melon and fall back out the other side. This is not a gender specific problem. Everyone knows that most women think they can do sixteen things at once, better than a man can do one. That’s fine, it keeps me from having to do things like laundry and listening. But it takes 101% of the same woman’s brain to drive. When you insert talking, which they also put 101% into, we have an algebraic abnormality.

Case in point: I am maneuvering through a grocery store parking lot. This is dangerous territory for anyone. Kids running out into the road, cars backing out that can’t see, and beautiful melons in everyone’s carts, are all hazards to a driver. So I stop to turn left into an aisle and here comes some lesbo Oompa Loompa, in her soccer mom Suburban, jibber-jabbering on her mobile device, who is looking to turn into the same aisle from the opposite direction. Obviously she has the right of way, so I yield, until she swings so wide that she nearly takes the smile off the front of my car. After some screaming, honking and finger waving, she notices me and barely misses sending my car to the dentist for a root canal. Get off the phone you stupid whore. Is that conversation worth you buying me a new bumper? I think your butch lover can wait until later to hear about your, soon to be made fun of throughout school, adopted son’s soccer game. You know the one that he never plays in but thinks he’s an all-star. The one that he will get a trophy for at the end of the season even though the only thing he won all season was a bag of chips and a juice box at the end of each humiliating defeat.

Men are right there too. Just in a different way. Normally men tune out what is being said on the other side of the phone. But on occasion they have to pay attention. This just means that they are gay, no biggie. However it is a big deal to other drivers. When they are concentrating on listening, all of their driving skills are sapped away in the same manner as a woman’s. Also men are stupid and think they look cool with their head cocked way over like a dog looking puzzled. This not only diverts their attention from the road but makes it appear crooked, leading to unintended lane changes and accidents.

So when the phone rings and you are driving, don’t just pick it up. You don’t have to be the monkey that dances when you are told. There is no weird dude chained to you making you turn the meat grinder for spare change. Let the phone continue to ring and call them back later. You are not that fucking important. What’s funny is that the people who aren’t important jump on every incoming call while the truly important people let everything go to voicemail. So go pull a P-Diddy and drive without talking. I know you can do it. Now dance monkey!

Monday, January 29

The Day Has Come

The day you have been waiting for has finally arrived. Bigger than the Super Bowl, more intimidating than the Third Reich, and with more cursing than a drunken Irish tirade; the book is finally complete and for sale. I promise you won’t be disappointed. Well not really but I promise you’ll enjoy it (If you are fully inebriated and on laughing gas). Big ups to my co-author Ontrider and the artist extraordinaire Kid Insano for putting in the time and effort to get our first book up and running. If there was ever a roadmap to peace, it would be a Californian, Canadian, and Ohioan working together for the good of the world.

To purchase or preview the book, click here….. http://www.lulu.com/content/654940

Thursday, January 25

The Great Wall

Why do men’s urinals have a small wall between them? Why doesn’t it go all the way down to the floor and it doesn’t go up above most men’s chest? I find this absurd because there are two things no man should ever do in the bathroom: 1) Checking out another man’s shoes and 2) No man should ever look another man in the eye while his junk is exposed.

I feel that we should go to a policy of full length walls between urinals. I certainly have nothing to hide but it only invites conversation between men while pissing. It’s one thing to annoy me with conversation while I am in line at the market but if I don’t know you, do not talk to me at the urinal. In fact, if I do know you, don’t talk to me at the urinal. And if someone wants to talk to their life-mate while pissing, you can talk through the wall. Men and women have been yelling through walls for years.

So please, bathroom design guy, get rid of the mini-wall. After all, you saw the faults in the hole in the ground and the horse trough, why not this one too. One last thing; bring back the full length urinal. Nothing beats being at a restaurant and your kid comes out of the bathroom yelling “Daddy, I peed on the floor”.

Monday, January 22

The Big Game

As you may know by now, I don’t usually right about certain things. Politics, Religion, and Sports have pretty much been off the table. Not because I’m not a fan of these or that I don’t have an opinion, it’s just that my opinions are always right and therefore many of you would get very upset to find out your long held belief of Jesus as your savior is simply debunked by the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

With that said; I am taking a reprieve from my reprieve and talking about football today. With “The Big Game” looming in 2 weeks, it seems appropriate to expound on the two teams making the journey down to Castro’s Beverly Hills (That’s Miami folks). Let’s start with the Bears.

I pretty much hate the Bears. Why? Because they aren’t the lovable, defensively oriented team that everyone wants to love. They stink. They play in the weakest Division in the weakest Conference. They get 2 games a year against the Packers, Vikings, and Lions. They also played one of the weakest schedules in the NFL. When they do play someone over .500 they tend to get their asses beat (The Saints gave them the game on a Crisco covered platter). I can appreciate the team but I am sick of the ballywhooing by the media on how good they are and the bitching that their fans do that they don’t get any respect. I also can’t stand Wrecks Grossman. What a shitty NFL quarterback. I always wonder if his Offensive Line gets in cahoots with the defense to get him pummeled now and then. The Bears Defense must hate having to save his ass every game.

The Colts. What can I say? I hate the Colts. Actually I just hate Peyton “Paycheck” Manning. I know he works hard and is a great guy. After all, the fucking media won’t shut up about that. But I want to kick him in the nuts every time he starts dancing around like a cracked out, schizoid, marionette. Just hike the fucking ball Paycheck! We all know you aren’t doing anything back there. Save your energy for your next commercial you fucking sellout.

So who do I root for? I root for a six beer buzz and some chicken wings. If the Bears win, my Stepdad is happy and so is this crazy reverend I know in Chicago (Muckology, try it). So I should root for the Bears so they can be happy? Hell no. Neither knows jack about football and therefore cannot appreciate what it takes to win. They shall suffer. So I am rooting for the Colts? Hell no! I hate Peyton Manning so much, I don’t want to hear the never ending barrage of media flip from “He can’t win the big one” to “He’s the greatest of all time”. So I have two choices. The game can be tied to eternity and never end until all the players drop dead. Or, a more plausible choice, the Colt’s win but Paycheck goes out in the first quarter with an in grown pube and cannot return except to watch the big one get away again but in a most ironic fashion.

Or maybe I’ll go wine tasting.

Friday, January 19

Random Rants

If you’re a man, and if you’re reading this I would assume you are, do you peruse the bevy of nose goblins after clearing their cave into a Kleenex?

How hard is it to hold the elevator for someone who is 8 feet behind you? Thanks a lot you bitch.

When a store runs a sale, and you get there 3 days after the sale starts, and they are out of whatever it is you were looking for, they didn’t do it on purpose. It wasn’t a conspiracy against you. Get over it.

Harleys are the biggest stereotype affirmer in society. You are all dirtbags.

When a freeway splits into two and you are going to the left hand freeway, get the fuck out of the far right hand lane.

To the guy in the SUV who has a fresh key mark and a few mucus balls on their door; it’s called a compact spot for a reason. Squeezing through my trunk to get in my car is not normal operating procedure.

Hey liberal commie who wouldn’t shut up about his political beliefs for 30 minutes while I was trying to enjoy my lunch at the ski resort; Bush is not the cause of all your problems, John Kerry did not have a distinguished military career, Al Gore is not right about global warming, and Hillary Clinton will not make a great President.

If you are excited about the iPhone, you should go stick your head in a garbage disposal. That phone is already available from 4 other companies. Stop sucking Steve Jobs twizzler.

The Office is the greatest show on television. For every annoying Dwight, there is a more annoying Andy.

Book News

Good news for me. The book is at the publisher and the first copy is almost in my co-authors grubby little Canuck paw. Once we review it, it will be available to all. I will post up when and where you can get it. We are keeping the price down. If it does decent, we may do a book every 6 months to a year.

Tuesday, January 9

Who Got Served?

When I think of stomping the yard, I picture putting on my favorite pair of lawn aerating shoes and going to town. However there is a new connotation of the term. From what I can see, it is a way that people can show their dominance over others through some sort of con-fangled interpretive dance that involves a large group of fraternity brothers stomping and jumping in front of other large groups of fraternity brothers. I know what you’re thinking. This guy is racist since stomping is an Afro-American thing. Far from it; if you read my articles, you would know I am an equal opportunity offender. I’m not racist unless stupidity is a new race type and I missed the memo.

Back to stomping.

There is a new movie out called “Stomp the Yard”. I haven’t seen it and, unless someone wants to send me some tickets and my hourly rate to watch this abortion, I won’t be. This is not the first movie about this phenomenon. I can’t remember the names of any of the others because they were unmemorable. Although who could forget “You got Served”. I hoped that movie, being a self-parody without trying, would be the end of this genre but I guess I was wrong. I will never forget the 2 months that people went around saying “You got served” instead of “Burn”, or “Face” or even the ‘80’s classic….”Moded”.

I have heard rumors that this stomping phenomenon is widespread. I have even heard that there are stomping studios. Now that is capitalism at it’s finest. Find a stupid fad, get in on it early, then teach the sheeple that come along later how to do it; all the while laughing at these yahoos for paying money for you to teach them how to look like asshats. There is also a large homosexual undercurrent involved in a large group of guys who live together, dancing in unison while, more men who live together watch and wait their turn. Very homosexual gangbang-esque. Regardless, I am sure this now mainstream “Sport” will be oh so uber-cool for the next couple weeks until the movie is pulled from theaters. Which should make you happy and the Stomp Teachers a little richer. Viva la Reagan Revolucion!