Don't Get Cutesy With My Crunch Bar

So I am standing in the candy aisle at the store trying to pick out a couple bags for work. The choices are immense nowadays and frankly overwhelming. Normally I would go straight to a favorite like Mounds (I know I am the only person on Earth who likes Mounds) or Crunch but with so many variety bags I had to take a closer look. Upon closer inspection I came up with a theory: Every variety pack has at least one crappy candy in it. One bag had Milky Way, 3 Musketeers, Twix and (Blech) Snickers (Snickers is not good. Nougat is not candy!). Another bag had all the good Hersheys bars and Mr. Goodbar (They should rename it Mr. "No one likes this crap" bar.). So i propose that all candy variety packs should be self serve. It is simply un-American to shuck shitty candy into a variety pack and use it as filler to replace better candy. More Twix less Twizzlers.

On that note I am not happy with the packaging of Halloween candy. I bought a Mars variety pack and they are all wrapped in Autumn colors. First off Halloween candy should either be packaged normally inside the bag (For easy low light identification) or in Orange and black. Autumn is not a color palette. Second, the marketing department needs to be more discerning with their colors. In the bag I bought the Milky Ways were wrapped in a yellow wrapper. This could easily be confused with a Butterfinger. Do you understand the mental damage you can do to a kid who, in his haste to hit the next house, reaches for what he thinks is a Butterfinger and later realizes it's a Milky Way? Now multiply that through an entire evening of trick or treating and this poor kid goes to count how many crispity crunchety Butterfingers he got at the end of the night and realizes he got Milky Ways. Now imagine he is deathly allergic to Caramel and he has to throw all of his candy away. His Halloween is ruined and this one moment (Like a butterflies wing flap) leads him to a life of crime all because some marketing moron at Mars decided to get cutesy with the packaging. Repercussions my friend......... repercussions.

Ten Things That Suck
1) Nickleback
2) The Oakland Raiders
3) Narcissistic Starbucks Baristas
4) Nancy Pelosi (Although I would never want to personally find out)
5) Dustbusters
6) Dog fur and dark couches
7) Strange puddles of liquid on your floor
8) Cheap movie rip offs of awesome cartoons (I'm looking at you GI JOE)
9) Thinking up inane items for stupid top ten lists
10) Jay Cutler

In an effort to increase content without actually having to create content, I am starting a new weekly feature called "10 Things That Suck." Look for it on whatever day I feel like posting it.