Friday, February 10
Cyborg Proliferation
Is there a permanent Star Trek convention going on in town? When did we become the laziest animal on the planet? It started with pagers.
Pagers were great because someone could let you know that they wanted to talk to you. Simple enough, right? If you wanted to call them back, you found a payphone or waited till you got home or to the office. No one ever died because they couldn't talk to you right away.
Then the cell phone was brought to the masses and businessmen were able to keep in contact with the office easily. Not too bad but the electronic leash was definitely tightened around our necks. Now everyone has a cell phone. This still isn't too bad except that people feel the constant need to be in contact with everyone. People in line at the DMV yapping away about the blouse they just bought in a voice loud enough to be heard by all.
Now we have Blackberries to see all those cool emails that Aunt Mitzie forwarded to us. You know the ones with the dancing baby we first saw 5 years ago. The newest convergence is MP3 cell phones. These are great because instead of people having to listen to your obnoxious phone call, they can listen to MP3's of their own obnoxious phone calls.
However, the worst invention being gobbled up by overweight tech nerds is the cyborg looking bluetooth headset. I know they enjoy hours of internet gaming with one hand on the mouse and the other in a bag of chips, permanently supplanted in their grandma's old chair, but when did holding a cell phone to your ear become as strenuous as a marathon? Is it that hard to reach in your pocket and hold the phone for a few minutes? Or even all the way to your belt where the phone resides, like the trophy you never won at the Math Decathlon.
Now I can understand the point of the headset. I understand the point of it being wireless. I don't understand the point of keeping the headset permanently affixed to your ear. Why are you walking around with a earring shaped like a Star Trek transceiver? Here is a piece of advice. You are not that important! Much like the cellphone attached to your belt, your cyborg earring is not making you any more attractive to the opposite sex. So please remove the loser tag from your ear, toss it on the ground, and stomp it with your new pair of Keds. Before I do it for you.
Pagers were great because someone could let you know that they wanted to talk to you. Simple enough, right? If you wanted to call them back, you found a payphone or waited till you got home or to the office. No one ever died because they couldn't talk to you right away.
Then the cell phone was brought to the masses and businessmen were able to keep in contact with the office easily. Not too bad but the electronic leash was definitely tightened around our necks. Now everyone has a cell phone. This still isn't too bad except that people feel the constant need to be in contact with everyone. People in line at the DMV yapping away about the blouse they just bought in a voice loud enough to be heard by all.
Now we have Blackberries to see all those cool emails that Aunt Mitzie forwarded to us. You know the ones with the dancing baby we first saw 5 years ago. The newest convergence is MP3 cell phones. These are great because instead of people having to listen to your obnoxious phone call, they can listen to MP3's of their own obnoxious phone calls.
However, the worst invention being gobbled up by overweight tech nerds is the cyborg looking bluetooth headset. I know they enjoy hours of internet gaming with one hand on the mouse and the other in a bag of chips, permanently supplanted in their grandma's old chair, but when did holding a cell phone to your ear become as strenuous as a marathon? Is it that hard to reach in your pocket and hold the phone for a few minutes? Or even all the way to your belt where the phone resides, like the trophy you never won at the Math Decathlon.
Now I can understand the point of the headset. I understand the point of it being wireless. I don't understand the point of keeping the headset permanently affixed to your ear. Why are you walking around with a earring shaped like a Star Trek transceiver? Here is a piece of advice. You are not that important! Much like the cellphone attached to your belt, your cyborg earring is not making you any more attractive to the opposite sex. So please remove the loser tag from your ear, toss it on the ground, and stomp it with your new pair of Keds. Before I do it for you.
Thursday, February 9
Small Victories
Is there anything better than going to the work bathroom and finding the handicapped stall unoccupied? Or finding a single regular fry in your box of curly fries? Or getting to work and your manager is out sick? Or getting that stubborn ball of wax out of your ear? Or getting that new release Netflix movie the day it comes out? Or finding out you pulled into first place in your no-money fantasy football league? Or popping that blackhead that has been behind your ear for the last month? Or finding that last orphaned package of Taco Bell Fire sauce in a sea of mild?
It's all about the little things, which explains my sexual prowess.
It's all about the little things, which explains my sexual prowess.
"Results Not Typical"
Match.com is the greatest thing to happen to single losers since the invention of alcohol. Yet, among these millions of desperate neophytes there are only a few lucky winners. Just watch the commercials. You have an older gentleman who is obviously on his sixth marriage telling you about the benefits of internet dating and how their 62 million question test can match you with your sole mate. Sounds great, no? Then they show the 2 couples in all of Match.com history that have actually gotten married. Note that in small lawyer type at the bottom of the screen it says "Results Not Typical". Wait. You have developed this incredible system and the ultimate goal that every one of the pathetic members want is a long term relationship and in your own words, the results are not typical. Let's take a quick break for a second.
Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, the Tapeworm Diet, et al, have the same premise. They show you before pictures of a woman, 300 pounds, sitting on the couch and stuffing her piehole with peanut M&M's. Usually this is a black & White photo as it accentuates rolls. Then they show the after shot. It looks like a Starshots spread with makeup, trendy clothes and a provocative pose. Once again, in size 6 font, is that phrase, "Results Not Typical". So let me get this straight. I pay you tons of money, follow the program, and these results are not typical?
Now here is my conspiracy theory. I think the dating sites and the weight loss companies are in cahoots. Think about it. In order to start dating and have a one in a million shot at the non-typical results, you must be presentable to the opposite sex. And let's be honest, Oreo cookie crumbs and moo-moos are not at the top of the list of sexy things. So first you spend the money to lose the weight and shockingly it works. You are looking great and, riding that high, put up the ultimate bait and switch ad on Match.com. It takes a few days before you get that first reply but what a glorious feeling. You start to nurture a few relations online and after a few weeks, you have your first real date. Here's the problem. After finishing the grueling diet and hitting your goal, you celebrate by falling off the ice cream and bon-bon wagon. So 4 weeks later, right before your date, you realize you don't fit into your "Skinny Clothes" anymore. You can't go on that date looking the way you do, so you cancel it and get Jenny Craig on the phone. Soon your match.com ad expires and your back to square one.
I have a hunch that the internet dating companies and the weight loss companies are all a part of a global conglomerate looking to take over the world. OPEC has nothing on these corporations. The only thing more important to Americans than their SUV's and mommy vans, is their desire to be skinny and loved. The thing that sets the conspiracy off is that when you get screwed at the gas pump, you get upset. However the entire goal of internet dating and weight loss is to get screwed.
So I propose that everybody who wants to try Weight Watchers or Match.com simply mail $1,000 to me. I will take this money, buy a plane ticket to your town, ring your doorbell, and kick you in the crotch. In the end you will be richer and go through less pain.
Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, the Tapeworm Diet, et al, have the same premise. They show you before pictures of a woman, 300 pounds, sitting on the couch and stuffing her piehole with peanut M&M's. Usually this is a black & White photo as it accentuates rolls. Then they show the after shot. It looks like a Starshots spread with makeup, trendy clothes and a provocative pose. Once again, in size 6 font, is that phrase, "Results Not Typical". So let me get this straight. I pay you tons of money, follow the program, and these results are not typical?
Now here is my conspiracy theory. I think the dating sites and the weight loss companies are in cahoots. Think about it. In order to start dating and have a one in a million shot at the non-typical results, you must be presentable to the opposite sex. And let's be honest, Oreo cookie crumbs and moo-moos are not at the top of the list of sexy things. So first you spend the money to lose the weight and shockingly it works. You are looking great and, riding that high, put up the ultimate bait and switch ad on Match.com. It takes a few days before you get that first reply but what a glorious feeling. You start to nurture a few relations online and after a few weeks, you have your first real date. Here's the problem. After finishing the grueling diet and hitting your goal, you celebrate by falling off the ice cream and bon-bon wagon. So 4 weeks later, right before your date, you realize you don't fit into your "Skinny Clothes" anymore. You can't go on that date looking the way you do, so you cancel it and get Jenny Craig on the phone. Soon your match.com ad expires and your back to square one.
I have a hunch that the internet dating companies and the weight loss companies are all a part of a global conglomerate looking to take over the world. OPEC has nothing on these corporations. The only thing more important to Americans than their SUV's and mommy vans, is their desire to be skinny and loved. The thing that sets the conspiracy off is that when you get screwed at the gas pump, you get upset. However the entire goal of internet dating and weight loss is to get screwed.
So I propose that everybody who wants to try Weight Watchers or Match.com simply mail $1,000 to me. I will take this money, buy a plane ticket to your town, ring your doorbell, and kick you in the crotch. In the end you will be richer and go through less pain.
Wednesday, February 8
J-Ro's first post
Who is the jackhole who took my username and address? Everyone knows there is only one J-Ro. I demand this imposter be removed from the gene pool immediately. Now that I am finally cool enough to have a blog, I swear I will constantly underimpress and thoroughly bore all readers. I don't know why in the hooch anyone would want to read someone else thoughts about random crap but my friends tell me that being cool is of the utmost importance and I am certainly not one to fold to peer pressure. So anyhow, enjoy but I don't know why you would.
One guarantee - You will never see the word "Anyways" on this blog. So all you teenage angst, emo, English impaired, valley girl asshats better enjoy this one instance of your favorite word.
One guarantee - You will never see the word "Anyways" on this blog. So all you teenage angst, emo, English impaired, valley girl asshats better enjoy this one instance of your favorite word.
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