Are You in Pain?

Why do men grunt in the bathroom? It seems like this is becoming a common habit among uncivilized men in public facilities. I’m not sure which grunt is worse; the urinal mini, machinegun grunt or the deep sigh, taking a dump grunt.

The stall grunt seems almost acceptable. Why? Well you are pushing something out of your ass. Second, no one knows who you are so you have complete anonymity to do your best Venus Williams impersonation. The problem is that everyone knows you’re taking a crap. I personally try and draw as little attention to myself when the big dog is scratching at the back door. I am actually embarrassed by a loud fart not overly proud like most men.

The urinal is a completely different story. First off you’re taking a piss. Unless you have a prostate the size of a softball, there really is no effort involved. There is no need to push because it practically comes out on its own once you loosen the levee. The biggest issue I have is the fact that you are out in the open and next to other men. Your grunting and pushing could easily be confused with you diddly oscillating your weiner; something that should never, ever be perceived as happening in a public place. Plus you look like a jackhole since grunting goes hand in hand with the pelvis thrust.

Guys, let’s keep the noises to a minimum in the bathroom.

I'm Rich Biatch!

I am going to be a millionaire. You see, I have discovered the secret to losing weight and keeping it off, all the while doing little to no exercise. I have in fact put this new method to use and am now at my leanest weight since high school. I would go as far as to say that I am now an Adonis; a living tribute to the beauty that is the human figure. It was so easy that even Oprah or Rosie could trim those few excess tons with no effort at all. In fact it takes less effort than what they currently use stuffing their chow holes. Are you ready for the secret?

STOP EATING SO MUCH FUCKING FOOD. Let me give you an analogy. If you have a 15 gallon gas tank in your convertible Beetle and you decide that you want to put 20 gallons in it, what happens? That’s right, you get 5 gallons of gas all over you and you’re manly car. If you have a VW Bus that holds 24 clowns and you put 32 clowns in it, what happens? That’s right, 3 dead clowns and a handful of unhappy emergency room patients. So if you stuff 5 pounds of food down your throat but you only need 3 pounds to function for the day, what happens to the other 2 pounds? That’s right; it goes right to your ass. So how does a chubby fix this problem? That’s right; eat 3 pounds of food. Or better yet; 2 and a half pounds and pull the other half out of that fat storage facility that you call your ass.

I know what you’re thinking; “I already knew that smartass.” Really? If you did, then so would others, and thus we would all be in great shape, and not the fattest nation on Earth. That’s why I am going to make millions. I only need to market this as some sort of new fad diet. One that costs a lot of money so it must work. I need a name for it. Something corny but to the point like “Piehole Tightener”, or “Lard Ass Lightener”. I also need some homeopathic vitamins that I can pawn off as “Diet Pills”. That way people get something for their money and thus feel better about their decision. I also need a spokesperson. Someone who was fat but saw the light of eating less and now wants to make money off of hapless, desperate idiots, just like I do. I have lots of work to do.