MY HR PR MO.....

One of the crappiest things to ever come out of the political correctness phase that our country has slipped into, like a fat chick in a thong bikini, is the fact that employers cannot hire people based on their qualifications or personalities. They must be hired based on how stupid they are or what color their skin is. Therefore, since we can’t ask the important questions like; “Why were you fired from your last job” or “How many dogs have you sexually molested”, we only need to make a quick visit to the applicant’s house.

Think about the co-worker you hate. Usually they are the same person who steals other people’s bagels out of the fridge or have the funky smelling cubicle. I propose the interviewer be allowed to visit the applicant’s abode for ten minutes and have a 3 day window after they are hired, to see how they use the company’s communal property. For example: The guy who refuses to replace the paper towel roll that he just used or has his lasagna explode in the microwave and doesn’t clean it up, is the same guy who procrastinates on his projects and wreaks of fish. The problem could be solved by heading to his house and seeing the plates stacked in the sink because his dishwasher is broken (In reality he just doesn’t know the door has to be closed to start it) or has a nacho cheese stain on his plywood and cinder block coffee table.

The middle aged lady who is about 75 pounds overweight and spends most of her day chugging venti caramel macchiato frappucinos and taking sixteen smoke breaks is the same person who at home has six cats and a permanent ass imprint in their couch. Of course cat lady does nothing but complain about how inconsiderate her co-workers are, all the while forcing you to see the six thousand pictures of her cat in her cubicle and the constant smacking of her eating bags of M&M’s. Once again, a preemptive home visit would prevent her from ever setting her cloven hoofs into the office.

Of course we cannot forget the nagging bitch. She’s the one who writes notes on everything from the refrigerator to every square inch of her office. A quick pop in would show you that she actually is a domineering child abuser who’s husband is afraid of her and her kids have CPS on speed dial. Of course she gets promoted over you because no one wants her in their group for more than six months. All you can hope is that her husband goes Jet Li on her ass and buries her in the backyard before she becomes the next CEO.