I have made it a habit to pick up my kid from school as close to the dismissal time as possible. Not because I don’t like waiting but because I pretty much hate people. One of the parents of a kid in my son’s class is one of those sea-donkeys that can’t keep her fat piehole shut. She is of the species Cantshutyourmouthapus, which is a mix of a large flapping yap and a hippopotamus. This species tends to live in and around schools, grocery store lines, the mall, and if you are cursed, next to your cubicle at work. Beware of them; they can’t look quite tame until you come within earshot. Then they emit a sound-wave that impairs the victim long enough for the Cantshutyourmouthapus to feast on the soul of the victim.
This particular Cantshutyourmouthapus picks off victims at random as they walk past the classroom door. One day I was outside of her lethal zone, and observing her in her natural habitat. An unsuspecting victim walked by with a 3 year old in tow. Unfortunately the child placed the victim within striking distance when he yelled “Mommy, I have to go pee-pee.” The mom responded with “Were going now.” With which he replied “No we’re not”. Like a crocodile lunging at a deer drinking from a river, Cantshutyourmouthapus struck. “They can be so defiant at that age.” This was like a lure used by a Venus Fly Trap. The mom took the bait and glanced at her. WHAM! Due to FCC regulations, I cannot describe the carnage that ensued. Let’s just say that the mom will have to learn how to stand up and pee if she wants to avoid the lifelong use of a catheter.
So please people, if you see the Cantshutyourmouthapus in the wild, do not approach it. Your best cause of defense is to always keep a chocolate bar in you pocket or a DVD of the latest Oprah Show. When spotted, throw either towards the Cantshutyourmouthapus and run in the opposite direction.
Friday, December 15
Tuesday, December 12
Mooooo
We are so evolved as a society. We always put ourselves on a pedestal high above those lower than us on the food chain. However, as we devolve back towards the protozoan from whence we spawned so many years ago, we begin to take on the characteristics of the beasts we feel superiority over. I recently went on a short flight of approximately 80 minutes on the nefarious cattle drive airline based in the bastion of ignorance (That’s Texas for ya’ll). I’m sure you’re aware of the boarding procedure where you are assigned a letter and boarding is based on that letter. What blows me away is that the lemmings not only put up with this shit but embrace it. They log in 24 hours before departure to get the coveted “A” boarding pass. They get to the airport 2 hours early and start waiting in line. Wait! Let me put on my big boy pants cause that doesn’t make sense. You stand in a line for 2 hours in order to score a coveted seat on an 80 minute flight? What an asshat.
Not only do they check in their luggage, they check their courtesy as well. The first group runs into the plane like a crowd of nerds at a Leanord Nimoy appearance. They have to make sure and take every aisle seat. Then the next group goes in and has to squeeze past each of those monkeys to get to the second most coveted window seat. All the while the original asshats get disgruntled because they have to get up to let them by. So now we have every window and aisle seat full in the plane. Then come the lepers of group “C”. They look at each middle seat with utter disgust and have to ask the original asshat if they can get up so they can then take every last inch of room that was once in the row. Of course the original asshat is ticked off again because he had to get up. So now we have everyone pissed off, the original asshat because he had to get up twice, the monkey for having to squeeze past the asshat and feel the asshat’s wrath, and finally the leper for ruining what was left of a frat house sausage-fest.
Of course the leper, having to run to get to his flight, wait in line in order to not get the last seat left out on the wing, and being in middle, now has to show ass to the monkey and groin to the asshat in order to use the lavatory before he pisses himself. He should just stay in the bathroom, there’s much more room in there anyhow.
Not only do they check in their luggage, they check their courtesy as well. The first group runs into the plane like a crowd of nerds at a Leanord Nimoy appearance. They have to make sure and take every aisle seat. Then the next group goes in and has to squeeze past each of those monkeys to get to the second most coveted window seat. All the while the original asshats get disgruntled because they have to get up to let them by. So now we have every window and aisle seat full in the plane. Then come the lepers of group “C”. They look at each middle seat with utter disgust and have to ask the original asshat if they can get up so they can then take every last inch of room that was once in the row. Of course the original asshat is ticked off again because he had to get up. So now we have everyone pissed off, the original asshat because he had to get up twice, the monkey for having to squeeze past the asshat and feel the asshat’s wrath, and finally the leper for ruining what was left of a frat house sausage-fest.
Of course the leper, having to run to get to his flight, wait in line in order to not get the last seat left out on the wing, and being in middle, now has to show ass to the monkey and groin to the asshat in order to use the lavatory before he pisses himself. He should just stay in the bathroom, there’s much more room in there anyhow.
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