Yet Another Conspiracy

I have blown the lid off the great gum conspiracy. Do you remember 10 years ago when you could buy and 18 stick pack of chewing gum for 50¢? Right next to that would be a 6 stick pack of Trident. You would laugh at the moron that would pay more money for less gum. Well my friend, you are now the moron. Look at the gum aisle next time you are at your local bodega. You will notice you can’t buy that 18 pack anymore. In fact you’re lucky if you can get 15 sticks of flavorless cardboard for less than a buck. Now it is proliferated by “Boutique” gums like Orbitz and Dentyne. Inside these packs are 5-10 pieces that are half the size of the old sticks and you are now paying twice as much. What the hell? Not only that, but the greatest gum of all time is nary around anymore. Of course I speak of Big League Chew. BLC dispensed with the stick and sold itself by the pound. You knew what you were getting and never paid more than 50¢. I challenge you Mr. Wrigley, to develop a long lasting 20 pack of gum and charge less than 75¢. In fact I triple dog dare you. But I know you won’t, mostly because you’re dead, but also because you sir are an oppressor of society and I put you in the same category as Hitler and Stalin (And Rosie O’Donnell). Fess up to your crime or be prepared for the wrath and fury of a fed up nation!

Nose Goblins

This one is not for the squeamish or for that matter, most women. I have had a theory for a long time that I slowly have quantified and now will unleash on the general populace (Or at the least the 3 people in the population that read this shitty blog). I am a firm believer in toughening things up. For example, an athlete destroys his muscles by lifting weights in order to get them to recuperate into an even stronger muscle. The same thing happens with the human immune system. In general the youngest and oldest of the human race get sick the most often. Babies and toddlers are always getting sick and have snotty noses. The old fogeys have been through hell and back through their life yet end up dying of something lame like pneumonia or a broken hip.

This leads to my theory; I call it the Nose Goblin Hypothesis or NGH. All of our children should be exposed to small amounts of bacteria through their formative years. They comply by eating dirt, paste, and toxic materials hidden under the kitchen sink. Every time they do this in non-lethal amounts, it makes them that much stronger. So I get to thinking, what is readily available to any kid (Or adult for that matter) that contains bacteria, is available in abundance and tastes good? That’s right, the good ole fashion booger. Nose Goblins, Green Goo, Nose Mortar, or whatever you want to call it, it is the perfect immunization for all of human kind.

You ever notice that germ freaks, like I have discussed in the past, seem to get sick more often than your average nose picking, fingernail chewing, ass wiping slob? Without bacteria, our systems cease to work correctly. All this anti-bacterial bullshit that is being peddled to you during Oprah re-runs is slowly destroying your immune system. Since most people are stupid and think you have to buy something in order for it to be good for you (IE bottled water), I have decided to mass produce a booger based energy bar. I may sell a liquid supplement as well. This way I can make more money off of stupid people. After all, what’s the point of harvesting nose goblins if you can’t share your crop with the villagers?