I hit up Starbucks about once a month. I used to work at 5 AM in the morning so I used to go at least twice a week. During that time I have noticed many things that drive me to slit my wrists. The experience of a Starbucks is unlike any other. You walk in and it's like stepping into another country, replete with a different language and culture.
The people behind the counter are about the most annoying people on Earth. They are always happy. We all know it's not the caffeine, since you never see them actually drink the coffee. I think it's just the end result of Starbucks' other earnings booster, meth. But I won't go into that conspiracy theory here. When you get to the line that is about 6 people deep, you realize there is only one person at a register but 3 to 4 behind the counter. There is also the one girl who simply asks to start a drink for you. No, don't start a drink, start up another register and start taking some cash.
The customers are the bane of society. First off, if you have over 25% body fat, you should not be allowed in. You need a morning pick me up? Go for a jog. Don't come in and ask for a, dear God, Venti Caramel Machiatto Frappacinno with extra caramel shots, whip cream, chocolate sprinkles, and SOY MILK. Do you realize that there are 1,000 calories in that? Or how about the fact you want soy milk. Oh the irony. Then there is the businesswoman who always orders a white chocolate mocha. Then gets upset because it takes too long. Hey bitch, first off, you are here everyday in this same line. Second, you aren't important. Third, if your time is so valuable, make one of your subordinates get the coffee. Which leads to the jerk-off who orders 6 drinks. Buddy, next time, make those lazy asshats at your office get their own coffee.
Which leads to me. All I want is a fucking drip coffee! I would get it at AM/PM if their coffee didn't taste like it was strained through a monkeys ass. All I want is a cup of black drip coffee. Notice that? If your order is longer than three words, then you don't need it. So I go in and wait in the line of buffalos and wannabes. Listening to annoying cell phone calls, tapping feet, and retarded orders. It's amazing that something like coffee would make me do this but if there is no coffee at home, something must be done. Now if I could just get that moron behind the counter to not put the lid on the seam of the cup so that it drips on my shirt.
Friday, February 24
Thursday, February 23
What I hate about you....
Some call me narcissistic. Others claim I am cynical. My therapist says I am maladjusted. I say I'm a realist.
How does this affect you? It doesn't.
Society as a whole is pretty pathetic. I don't lump myself into society because I am so much more intelligent, witty, and open minded than all of you. Of course I have my opinions but they are based on facts, which essentially makes them facts in and of themselves. So what separates an incredible philosopher like myself from the average Joe dumbass? Here is a list of reasons why I hate you.
You use cliches and over used slang all the time. Is it that hard to come up with something new? Are you that large of an asshat? Can't you like, possibly like, try and like, find a like, new way to like talk that isn't like your soon to be unemployed, ignoramus, friends?
You're mindless drones. You see something on TV more than once and it must be true. You watch the evening news and think that Brian Williams is telling you the truth. Brian doesn't give a furry gerbil about you. The next monkey that tries to debate me by using information from a newspaper or network news, will get a face full of feces.
You think I care about the car you drive? No, I care about the car I drive. As in, will it break down on me, do I need to put gas in it, or does it smell like a men's locker? Congratulation on the purchase of those super-duper cool 24" rims. What did those set you back, $4k? Maybe next time you can just give me the money and I can kick you in the balls. At least you'll have a story to tell about it.
You're cell phone habits. I don't care that you have friends to talk to on the phone. It just means that you either have lazy, needy, or unemployed friends. Next time you want to tell your girlfriend about the venereal disease you caught last weekend, do it in the privacy of your home.
Your ugly kids. My kid is cute. In fact he will probably be a model some day. However your kids are ugly. Please, don't try and show me pictures of your kids. It will only make you feel stupid when you see mine. No one cares about the sea-donkey that you and your spouse created in a drunken stupor. There's also a 50% chance that one of you is not the real parent.
I could go on forever with this list. Maybe this will be a regular feature here. Or maybe not, it just makes me hate you even more.
How does this affect you? It doesn't.
Society as a whole is pretty pathetic. I don't lump myself into society because I am so much more intelligent, witty, and open minded than all of you. Of course I have my opinions but they are based on facts, which essentially makes them facts in and of themselves. So what separates an incredible philosopher like myself from the average Joe dumbass? Here is a list of reasons why I hate you.
You use cliches and over used slang all the time. Is it that hard to come up with something new? Are you that large of an asshat? Can't you like, possibly like, try and like, find a like, new way to like talk that isn't like your soon to be unemployed, ignoramus, friends?
You're mindless drones. You see something on TV more than once and it must be true. You watch the evening news and think that Brian Williams is telling you the truth. Brian doesn't give a furry gerbil about you. The next monkey that tries to debate me by using information from a newspaper or network news, will get a face full of feces.
You think I care about the car you drive? No, I care about the car I drive. As in, will it break down on me, do I need to put gas in it, or does it smell like a men's locker? Congratulation on the purchase of those super-duper cool 24" rims. What did those set you back, $4k? Maybe next time you can just give me the money and I can kick you in the balls. At least you'll have a story to tell about it.
You're cell phone habits. I don't care that you have friends to talk to on the phone. It just means that you either have lazy, needy, or unemployed friends. Next time you want to tell your girlfriend about the venereal disease you caught last weekend, do it in the privacy of your home.
Your ugly kids. My kid is cute. In fact he will probably be a model some day. However your kids are ugly. Please, don't try and show me pictures of your kids. It will only make you feel stupid when you see mine. No one cares about the sea-donkey that you and your spouse created in a drunken stupor. There's also a 50% chance that one of you is not the real parent.
I could go on forever with this list. Maybe this will be a regular feature here. Or maybe not, it just makes me hate you even more.
Tuesday, February 21
RIP English Language
Let me put on my Nostradamus beard and make a prediction.......
The English language will officially be dead in ten years.
America will soon have 35% of it's population over the age of 60. Unfortunately these people will soon be dead and with them will go the spoken language of America. How is this? Let's not even bring up the fact that most immigrants refuse to learn the language and many states are becoming bilingual because of this. Let's also throw out the fact that many Americans butcher the language (See Ebonics and our Wisconsin and Michigan residents). No, the death will come from the most innocent of people. People who are the future of America. Our children.
Between the internet, a pathetic school system, and instant messaging, our great means of communication has degraded to a chorus of single syllable grunts and vowel-less, thumb typed messages. The worst offender is the internet and forums. Unless you have been living in a tree for the last five years, you certainly are aware of internet forums (Formerly BBS'). These are a great addition to the internet and allow groups of people from all over to come together and discuss topics that interest them. There are forums for everything except proper English usage. These forums are usually overrun with people who not only cannot spell or use proper punctuation, but also can't use a spell-checker. They simply want to type their feelings in the least amount of time possible. Thus resulting in wonderful internet speak like "Oh Rly?" or "Chk ths out!!!!1". Of course when someone corrects them or accuses them of poor grammar, they retort "You understood me, I can spell but I choose not to care".
Instant messaging is the second worse offender. Kids love IM because it allows them to say whatever they want without the fear of sounding like a fool. You can type anything and if the recipient is offended, you can just type "j/k". Since communication is 90% body language, it is important to use excellent punctuation and grammar to get your point across. This just goes in one ear and out the other.
The third and most heinous offense is the one committed by the school systems. Not only do they not put a priority on English but they put a higher priority on foreign languages. The linchpin is that kids think that the only place they need to use good language skills is in school but the schools don't care. So not only do they use poor language skills on a daily basis but they aren't challenged to use them where they are supposed to be learning it.
Soon enough we won't have a language anymore. It will be a potpourri of grunts, three letter words, and misspellings. I guess that's okay since most parents cannot understand a word that their kids use when talking to their friends.
"Whatever, English ain't important if you can understand me anyways, right? Irregardless, I don't care anyways."
After typing that last line, I feel like cutting off my hands.
The English language will officially be dead in ten years.
America will soon have 35% of it's population over the age of 60. Unfortunately these people will soon be dead and with them will go the spoken language of America. How is this? Let's not even bring up the fact that most immigrants refuse to learn the language and many states are becoming bilingual because of this. Let's also throw out the fact that many Americans butcher the language (See Ebonics and our Wisconsin and Michigan residents). No, the death will come from the most innocent of people. People who are the future of America. Our children.
Between the internet, a pathetic school system, and instant messaging, our great means of communication has degraded to a chorus of single syllable grunts and vowel-less, thumb typed messages. The worst offender is the internet and forums. Unless you have been living in a tree for the last five years, you certainly are aware of internet forums (Formerly BBS'). These are a great addition to the internet and allow groups of people from all over to come together and discuss topics that interest them. There are forums for everything except proper English usage. These forums are usually overrun with people who not only cannot spell or use proper punctuation, but also can't use a spell-checker. They simply want to type their feelings in the least amount of time possible. Thus resulting in wonderful internet speak like "Oh Rly?" or "Chk ths out!!!!1". Of course when someone corrects them or accuses them of poor grammar, they retort "You understood me, I can spell but I choose not to care".
Instant messaging is the second worse offender. Kids love IM because it allows them to say whatever they want without the fear of sounding like a fool. You can type anything and if the recipient is offended, you can just type "j/k". Since communication is 90% body language, it is important to use excellent punctuation and grammar to get your point across. This just goes in one ear and out the other.
The third and most heinous offense is the one committed by the school systems. Not only do they not put a priority on English but they put a higher priority on foreign languages. The linchpin is that kids think that the only place they need to use good language skills is in school but the schools don't care. So not only do they use poor language skills on a daily basis but they aren't challenged to use them where they are supposed to be learning it.
Soon enough we won't have a language anymore. It will be a potpourri of grunts, three letter words, and misspellings. I guess that's okay since most parents cannot understand a word that their kids use when talking to their friends.
"Whatever, English ain't important if you can understand me anyways, right? Irregardless, I don't care anyways."
After typing that last line, I feel like cutting off my hands.
Monday, February 20
No Soup For You!
My parents found this new diet that is for heart patients who are overweight and need to have surgery. This magic diet promises you will lose between 10-17 pounds in a week. Sure you will. But they actually did lose quite a bit of weight so my significant other decided to try it. Myself, I was skeptical to say the least. Diets, in my opinion, are shams and bad for your body in general. I am a big fan of exercise and eating what your body needs (Plus the occasional In&Out Double-Double). But being the good husband I am and not wanting to have to cook for myself for a week, I went along with it.
The diet basically consists of a vegetable soup. The soup contains carrots, green beans, onions, celery, tomatoes, bell peppers, and beef broth. You make a big fat pot of it and you can eat as much of it as you want at anytime during the one week diet. It really isn't a bad soup and is actually pretty good. Each day of the diet you can have different things. For example, one day you can only have fruits with the soup. One day you can only have vegetables, one day you can have both and a couple days you can eat all the meat you want. The premise is that your body needs certain nutritional elements at certain times. It is a pretty carb light diet except for the fruit. You can drink pure juices, coffee (No sweeteners), tea, milk and lots of water.
The first day was the hardest. I craved everything in the house because I couldn't have it. The second day was worse. I wanted a candy bar soo bad but I didn't cheat. The third day was pretty easy and I was starting to feel pretty good. The diet is also a good way to "Clean" you out. They say you may want to eat some fiber to combat any constipation. Let's just say I read a lot of books in the library so fiber was not an issue for me. By day four I was down 7 pounds. Granted I am far from what you would call a fattie. I started at 177 lbs and I am 5'10". So by day three I was at 170 lbs. Not too shabby. However it was definitely harder to keep up my exercise regiment. Normally I run 3 miles 5 days a week. I could barely make it the first day and have progressively gotten stronger, although it is still a lot more of a strain than before. I owe this to the lack of complex carbs in the diet. The last 3 days were pretty easy. In the end I lost 8.5 lbs. Not bad considering I am not a fattie to begin with.
It was nice to drop some weight quickly but I think the best part about the diet was how it reminded me that I actually like fruits and vegetables. I can see how easy it is to fall into the junk/fast food diet. So it's been 3 days since I finished the diet. I gained back 1 lb but it was because I had some beer and a big dinner the first night after it was over. I am actually eating the soup for lunch today and a bunch of fruit. So there it is, the one week soup nazi diet. Now that I am an Adonis, I will not be posting here ever again, I have to go reward the sun with my incredible physique. Later fatties.
The diet basically consists of a vegetable soup. The soup contains carrots, green beans, onions, celery, tomatoes, bell peppers, and beef broth. You make a big fat pot of it and you can eat as much of it as you want at anytime during the one week diet. It really isn't a bad soup and is actually pretty good. Each day of the diet you can have different things. For example, one day you can only have fruits with the soup. One day you can only have vegetables, one day you can have both and a couple days you can eat all the meat you want. The premise is that your body needs certain nutritional elements at certain times. It is a pretty carb light diet except for the fruit. You can drink pure juices, coffee (No sweeteners), tea, milk and lots of water.
The first day was the hardest. I craved everything in the house because I couldn't have it. The second day was worse. I wanted a candy bar soo bad but I didn't cheat. The third day was pretty easy and I was starting to feel pretty good. The diet is also a good way to "Clean" you out. They say you may want to eat some fiber to combat any constipation. Let's just say I read a lot of books in the library so fiber was not an issue for me. By day four I was down 7 pounds. Granted I am far from what you would call a fattie. I started at 177 lbs and I am 5'10". So by day three I was at 170 lbs. Not too shabby. However it was definitely harder to keep up my exercise regiment. Normally I run 3 miles 5 days a week. I could barely make it the first day and have progressively gotten stronger, although it is still a lot more of a strain than before. I owe this to the lack of complex carbs in the diet. The last 3 days were pretty easy. In the end I lost 8.5 lbs. Not bad considering I am not a fattie to begin with.
It was nice to drop some weight quickly but I think the best part about the diet was how it reminded me that I actually like fruits and vegetables. I can see how easy it is to fall into the junk/fast food diet. So it's been 3 days since I finished the diet. I gained back 1 lb but it was because I had some beer and a big dinner the first night after it was over. I am actually eating the soup for lunch today and a bunch of fruit. So there it is, the one week soup nazi diet. Now that I am an Adonis, I will not be posting here ever again, I have to go reward the sun with my incredible physique. Later fatties.
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