The Pregnancy Rebuttal

I love hearing women talk about how if men had to be the ones to get pregnant and deliver a baby, there would be no babies. Let’s expound a bit. Their first and foremost reason is that we couldn’t handle the pain. Then they infer that the baby is going to somehow be brought into this world through a man’s snake eye. Really? You’re telling me that this would be your hypothesis? Obviously the thing isn’t going to come out of my nose, or ear, or mouth, it’s coming out the brown eye. Just like a chicken. Now to top that off men would need to be able to dilate their bay door. It certainly wouldn’t be fair for women to dilate 10cm and not let a man, right? So now we are talking about a more even playing field. If you saw some of the big dogs that have come out of my back door, you would definitely see that with an additional 10 centimeters, I could deliver Shaq (But only up until he left Orlando).

So the delivery part is solved. Let’s talk sustenance. Obviously my moobs are not going to engorge to deliver the needed nutrition. But I do own a double beer helmet with two straws. I also know how to put water in a bottle with some formula. Sometimes I even wash out that white boogery stuff that gets stuck inside.

Now we have brought the ankle biter into the world and provided it with nutrition. Here comes the hard part. Motherly love. As much as I love kids, I love other things more; picking my nose, watching re-runs of Matlock, sleeping. So I am going to have to concede this part, which is why women give birth and take care of the baby. Men like shiny things and are drawn to them like a wino to a buzzing beer light, it would take very little to distract a man long enough to lose track of time. So much so that before the commercial is over, the baby is eighteen and stealing your money, your car, and your 20’s and 30’s.

Selfish Hypocrites

Sometimes when you are married, you have to do things you don’t want to. Not peeing on the toilet seat, going to weddings, and watching TV shows that you can’t stand. So I find myself watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I despise Ty Pennington the way I loathe Carrot Top and watching him prance around on television like a prepubescent gay troll, makes me want to slip in a puddle of AIDS.

Of course they have this heart wrenching story of a family of 8 and all the crap that they, and the rest of the world, have had to endure. Regardless of the show or the annoying family, I start wondering, who in the hell has six kids? Who in the hell has 8 people in their family and one bathroom? Why hasn’t CPS been called? I have some friends who sort of fit this model. They can’t afford to buy toilet paper to wipe their ass but they want to have more kids. Of course our society has some sort of annoying respect for them, like they are doing God’s work. These same people look down their nose at the Welfare mom in the same position. Why don’t we have disdain for these people? After all they are the ones causing Global Warming with their giant Suburbans. They are the people that shop at the devils lair known as Wal-Mart. This isn’t the 1950’s where you need an entire baseball team worth of kids to tend the farm.

Then to top it off, we cheer when these people get a hand out like on Extreme Makeover. We are told how unselfish they are, how giving they are, and yada yada. If these people are so giving, why don’t they give the house to a posse of homeless people? Aren’t we all giving? Don’t we all love our kids? However we have brains. We know that we can’t afford to support 6 kids, so we don’t have them. We don’t go and buy a Ferrari when we can only afford a Ford Escort. What’s the difference in selfishness?