The Pregnancy Rebuttal

I love hearing women talk about how if men had to be the ones to get pregnant and deliver a baby, there would be no babies. Let’s expound a bit. Their first and foremost reason is that we couldn’t handle the pain. Then they infer that the baby is going to somehow be brought into this world through a man’s snake eye. Really? You’re telling me that this would be your hypothesis? Obviously the thing isn’t going to come out of my nose, or ear, or mouth, it’s coming out the brown eye. Just like a chicken. Now to top that off men would need to be able to dilate their bay door. It certainly wouldn’t be fair for women to dilate 10cm and not let a man, right? So now we are talking about a more even playing field. If you saw some of the big dogs that have come out of my back door, you would definitely see that with an additional 10 centimeters, I could deliver Shaq (But only up until he left Orlando).

So the delivery part is solved. Let’s talk sustenance. Obviously my moobs are not going to engorge to deliver the needed nutrition. But I do own a double beer helmet with two straws. I also know how to put water in a bottle with some formula. Sometimes I even wash out that white boogery stuff that gets stuck inside.

Now we have brought the ankle biter into the world and provided it with nutrition. Here comes the hard part. Motherly love. As much as I love kids, I love other things more; picking my nose, watching re-runs of Matlock, sleeping. So I am going to have to concede this part, which is why women give birth and take care of the baby. Men like shiny things and are drawn to them like a wino to a buzzing beer light, it would take very little to distract a man long enough to lose track of time. So much so that before the commercial is over, the baby is eighteen and stealing your money, your car, and your 20’s and 30’s.