Friday, October 23

RIP Twitter 02/16/2011

First it was MySpace (You know, that website that you used to have a ‘Profile’ on back when you were a kid), then Facebook (That place where your grandma and virtual pet keeps in touch with you), then Blogger (Seriously, what kind if ass pimple has a blog?), and now we have Twitter. Let me trace the evolution of stupid internet fads using these four examples.

MySpace-
This started as a place where the ‘cool’ kids hung out. Where you had to be 18 to register but like an R rated movie there were more kids there than adults. It was the cool thing to do and if you were the bees knees you had an profile. It was a great way to belittle other kids too (“You aren’t on MySpace??? Go get in the trash Freshman”). Pretty soon though everyone knew what it was and the virtual population exploded. But like every fad it had to come to an end and it was no longer where the party was. So all the cool cats strutted over to Facebook because they were in the know and were cooler than you MySpacers.

Facebook-
This started as a virtual college yearbook/directory. Great idea and a good way to meet people on campus. Plus you had to be a college student to join so there was a cliqueness (Not a word) to it. If you were on it then your little brother wasn’t, nor was your Dad, your Dad’s creepy friends, your Nanna, and so on. It was the good old days. You could post pictures of you doing stupid things like dry humping a fire hydrant or shotgunning a 2 liter of week old milk without fear that your parents would see. You could tell everyone about your morning deuce without your boss reading about it. You could even tell everyone what kind of contraceptive you use without your grandma having a stroke. Then it was opened up to everybody and it exploded in popularity. Awesomeness ensued when your one night stand, boss, and mom could all post on your wall. You felt the pressure to be accepted so you came up with all kinds of witty little sayings and status changes. If you didn’t people would think you were boring just like you were in real life. And don’t get me started on Facebook affairs (Affairbook has a nice ring to it). Nothing like destroying a couple lives to go find that special guy in high school that you dated for a couple months and left for a reason (The real world isn’t a movie, moron). By the way, if you have more than 20 friends on Facebook then they aren’t your friends. Personally I have enough friends that I don’t call, I don’t need more.

Blogger-
Blogging is stupid. Period. Bloggers are not relevant or funny which is why I do it.

Twitter-
This brings me to Twitter. Micro-Blogging is the official term. You can send people Twits (Tweet doesn’t describe the author as well as Twit) about anything as long as U KP IT 2 144 CARACTRS OR LES OF UNINTLIGIBLE FING GIBBRISH. So now instead of enjoying those Fruit Loops alone this morning, you can tell everyone. When you drop those Fruit Loops off 12 hours later you can tell everyone again. This ‘phenomenon’ is being used by celebrities, athletes, corporations and even Senators to tell everyone very important things in real time. What a treat! I get to hear a Senator sound like a 12 year old girl while he tries to Twit about his latest vote in less than 144 characters. Or get a virtual coupon for Raisin Bran from General Mills. Or Ashton Kutcher can tell me why in the fuck he is a celebrity. And finally Chad “I can speak two words of Spanish but I can’t write them correctly” Ochocinco can show me how dumb he is virtually instead of actually. Guess what everyone? No one wants to hear how boring your life is when they have a perfectly boring life of there own. I already take a couple of dumps a day, I don’t need to virtually enjoy yours too. I also don’t need to hear how witty or whimsical you are so I don’t give a shit that your day is going like a unicycle tumbling from the sky with a rainbow farting unicorn on it. If you were so witty and funny you would have real friends and be doing real things instead of typing about how you wish you were.

Mr. Kotter in the House

Welcome back. Not you, me. I haven’t been here in over a year and I sure have missed myself.