No, this is not about Christopher Reeves. This is about the best vegetable around. One that not only makes you feel good but also tastes delicious. It is often overlooked but is definitely the cream of the crop. It also makes me feel like a big shot because it is what I like to call an "Upscale Veggie". Order some at a restaurant and everyone looks at you like you are special. Like you have a sophisticated palate and know about the little luxuries in life.
This sprout is unlike any other. The color, the texture and the verbiage are all unique. Corn is referred to as kernels (Yawn), broccoli is referred to as flowers (Not very fragrant), and celery is often called a stalk (Two letters away from "Stalker"). All of these are simply pretenders. They cannot compare to something that goes by the term "Spear" or "Tip". That's right, the best vitamin filled morsel is the one and only Asparagus. I capitalize it because of it's dominance over all others. Pan fried or steamed, it is the quintessential delicacy. Not only is the taste wonderful but the smell is to die for. Besides, is there anything better than the smell of Asparagus pee? I rest my case.
Friday, February 17
Thursday, February 16
Calabasas Smoking Law
I don't know about you (Shoot, I don't even know who in the toodles reads this anyhow) but I really like the California smoking laws. When I was a kid restaurants had smoking sections and inevitably the non-smoking section smelled like a burnt out building. Now we are lucky to not have smoking in public buildings, restaurants and bars. This is nice and makes going out much more pleasurable. Unfortunately the state has started going further. Calabasas has joined Davis in outlawing smoking in almost every non-private area of town. Currently in Davis you cannot smoke anywhere in public (Parks, outdoors, etc) unless in a specified area. You also cannot smoke in your house or car unless the windows are closed. You will be fined unless you play dumb. Personally I don't nor never have smoked. I find it to be a pretty nasty little habit. I do enjoy the occasional cigar though in the comfort of my backyard. Something I couldn't do in Davis if I don't actually own the property (Sucks for renters).
I think this is going one step to far and one step closer to outlawing cigarettes. California recently classified cigarette smoke as a toxin. This will definitely lead to the banning and many lawsuits. I feel sorry for smokers. They are basically taking away a right that these citizens have as Americans. The biggest problem is that if cigarettes are banned in California, where will the government find the money to replace all of those tax dollars? After all we want to make as much money off of the smokers as we can before they keel over from emphysema.
I think this is going one step to far and one step closer to outlawing cigarettes. California recently classified cigarette smoke as a toxin. This will definitely lead to the banning and many lawsuits. I feel sorry for smokers. They are basically taking away a right that these citizens have as Americans. The biggest problem is that if cigarettes are banned in California, where will the government find the money to replace all of those tax dollars? After all we want to make as much money off of the smokers as we can before they keel over from emphysema.
Wednesday, February 15
End Times
Even the most narrow minded atheist has to admit that the world appears to be headed into oblivion. War, famine, Islamo fascism, and the rise of the Evil Empire are all predicted by the Magic Book and its hero, Jesus. It cannot be argued that we are in the most tumultuous times in the history of man (Obviously not in the history of the world since the dinosaurs kind of got the shaft). Of course all of the previous atrocities will lead man to its demise but the true catalysts are a little less obvious. America is on the bleeding edge of the death of society. We have become the biggest whining, self loathing, blowhards in the world. We have our beliefs but we never seem to adhere to them. We tell others what to do when when we are the ones who should be listening. And finally we are a bunch of panty waists.
What America needs is a true enemy. A Nazi Germany or a Cold War Russia. We have terrorists but 9/11 was soo long ago that we have forgotten about it. Remember after 9/11 when every other car on the road had an American flag on it? Now they are all gone. Not because people took the stickers off but because we got new cars and new stuff is cool. Pretty soon the Islamo-Fascists will strike here again and it will take even less time for us to forget. Look around you daily and you will see the lethargic lazy society we have become. People litter when there's a trash can 6 feet away. People incessantly feel that public areas are their personal comains. People constantly critisize without a solution. We have become cynical to all the good things and dismiss truly important causes. Wake up America before you become slaves. Oh wait....we already are.
What America needs is a true enemy. A Nazi Germany or a Cold War Russia. We have terrorists but 9/11 was soo long ago that we have forgotten about it. Remember after 9/11 when every other car on the road had an American flag on it? Now they are all gone. Not because people took the stickers off but because we got new cars and new stuff is cool. Pretty soon the Islamo-Fascists will strike here again and it will take even less time for us to forget. Look around you daily and you will see the lethargic lazy society we have become. People litter when there's a trash can 6 feet away. People incessantly feel that public areas are their personal comains. People constantly critisize without a solution. We have become cynical to all the good things and dismiss truly important causes. Wake up America before you become slaves. Oh wait....we already are.
Tuesday, February 14
You Saw My Blinker Bitch
I have come across the laziest human attribute. It is simply the act of using your blinker. I know what your thinking; "But it takes so much time and energy to lift my finger off the steering wheel and flip the blinker on." Of course it's difficult but I think your anxiety can be overcome. First off, we are the laziest yet most multitasked humans in the history of the world. We can't make our own coffee (That's what Starbucks is for) but we can drink it, while eating a Breakfast Jack, listening to Howard Stern and staring at the hottie in the car behind us. All the while navigating the most treacherous road conditions known to man.
Most people don't use their blinker because there is nobody around. Nobody behind me so why use it? Let's start with people in front of you. Don't you hate when you're waiting to pull out onto a street and there is a car coming? So you wait for them to go by but they slow down and turn onto your street. "Dammit" I could have went 30 seconds ago if that guy would have been polite enough to use his blinker. It's not just politeness to your fellow fossil fuel burner that is important. The biggest reason people say they don't use their turn signal is because no one is behind them. Here's a concept for ya, maybe if you used your blinker the guy in your blindspot, that you didn't see, may alert you to the fact that your about to put a Miata tattoo on the side of your new Hummer. This is especially important with the advent of new driver attention grabbing devices like cell phones, navigation systems, complex stereos, and yapping wives.
So next time you decide to merge, turn, or change lanes, take that oft under used ring finger out of your brown-eye and activate your blinker. You can clean the feces off later.
Most people don't use their blinker because there is nobody around. Nobody behind me so why use it? Let's start with people in front of you. Don't you hate when you're waiting to pull out onto a street and there is a car coming? So you wait for them to go by but they slow down and turn onto your street. "Dammit" I could have went 30 seconds ago if that guy would have been polite enough to use his blinker. It's not just politeness to your fellow fossil fuel burner that is important. The biggest reason people say they don't use their turn signal is because no one is behind them. Here's a concept for ya, maybe if you used your blinker the guy in your blindspot, that you didn't see, may alert you to the fact that your about to put a Miata tattoo on the side of your new Hummer. This is especially important with the advent of new driver attention grabbing devices like cell phones, navigation systems, complex stereos, and yapping wives.
So next time you decide to merge, turn, or change lanes, take that oft under used ring finger out of your brown-eye and activate your blinker. You can clean the feces off later.
Monday, February 13
"The Code" or The Male's Guide to Public Bathrooms
Male bathroom etiquette.
As men, we are looked upon as animals by women when it comes to our bathroom behavior. However, as most men know, there is a strict code of conduct in public restrooms that must be followed. Women tend to think our bathrooms are worse than theirs. Have you men ever been in a women's bathroom? Trust me, it's not the hot, sexy place you dreamed about in your teens. To keep up our standards we must make sure the code is followed strictly. If you see someone violating the code it is perfectly polite to reprimand them gently. Here my friends is "The Code."
It is never acceptable to talk, make eye contact, or even acknowledge another man once you are past the imaginary line that separates the wash area from the penial exposure area. Once safely in the wash zone, it is ok to nod, say hello, or make very casual conversation. This should be kept to a minimum though. If your cell phone rings, DO NOT answer it. You are not that important and you will be ridiculed by any other men in the bathroom. Besides, the person on the other end will know exactly what you're doing. After your business is done, if you are in a disgusting facility, it is ok to not wash your hands if the only thing you touched was yourself. If you did not use your foot to flush, you must wash.
When entering the bathroom men should always take the first or last urinal. Each subsequent male should take the farthest urinal from anyone already there. This continues until there is no longer a buffer between urinals. Men then have a choice of either violating the urinal buffer zone or using the stall. Most will violate the zone unless they are a sufferer of shy bladder, those men choose the stall in this instance and will choose the stall almost everytime they are in the bathroom. They have a problem and men should not think less of them.
If anyone looks at you while at the urinal, you should immediately look away. Never make eye contact! If anyone takes a gaggle over the separation wall, you should put away the beast and leave immediately or move to a different urinal or better yet, a stall as you will probably be pretty shook up. There shall be no talking. However if you are at a sporting event and the person next to you is drunk and trying to make conversation, it is acceptable to talk because the offending male will feel much remorse and personal failure the next day when he remembers what he did.
Now if you are stuck in the buffer zone, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, think about stage fright. Much like premature ejaculation, the more you think about it, the more likely it happens. If, for some reason you do get stage fright (Someone talks to you or looks at you) it should not be seen as abnormal or a threat to your manhood. It is a natural reaction and can be overcome by multiplying large numbers in your head or reciting sports statistics. Occasionally a tension breaker like running water will help. Sometimes, if the male next to you has the dreaded fright, it is acceptable to give them a flush of your urinal to break the tension. However, you should never flush your own urinal before unzipping, this not only informs others of your recurring fright problem but also jinxes you to have it right then. Use the multiplication or hope for the helpful flush. If fright is exacerbated and you are unable to go it is ok to act like you did and go back later. This "Get out of jail free card" can only be used every so often. If it becomes a regular occurrence, you need to start using the stall.
Stall etiquette is a little trickier because males tend to think that they have diplomatic immunity when no one can see them. Therefore a few rules are generally accepted by males. The first is you should lift the seat if urinating. How would you like to sit in someone else's piss? This rule is bendable if the seat has a drip cutout in the front and it is ok to use your foot to lift. Another faux pas is not using the ass gasket. This sailor hat is there not only to give you piece of mind while sitting on it but also to give you the knowledge that the last hairy bastard in there was not "ass to porcelain." Of course, the courtesy flush is always in force and must be recognized at all times. This isn't your home and your wife isn't around, therefore there is no reason to expose others to your "Brand". Remember, this is not your home so there is a de facto 3 minute rule. Whatever cannot be accomplished in that time frame, is not important enough to do in a stall. Be courteous to your fellow man. Finally, flush early and flush often.
As men, we are looked upon as animals by women when it comes to our bathroom behavior. However, as most men know, there is a strict code of conduct in public restrooms that must be followed. Women tend to think our bathrooms are worse than theirs. Have you men ever been in a women's bathroom? Trust me, it's not the hot, sexy place you dreamed about in your teens. To keep up our standards we must make sure the code is followed strictly. If you see someone violating the code it is perfectly polite to reprimand them gently. Here my friends is "The Code."
It is never acceptable to talk, make eye contact, or even acknowledge another man once you are past the imaginary line that separates the wash area from the penial exposure area. Once safely in the wash zone, it is ok to nod, say hello, or make very casual conversation. This should be kept to a minimum though. If your cell phone rings, DO NOT answer it. You are not that important and you will be ridiculed by any other men in the bathroom. Besides, the person on the other end will know exactly what you're doing. After your business is done, if you are in a disgusting facility, it is ok to not wash your hands if the only thing you touched was yourself. If you did not use your foot to flush, you must wash.
When entering the bathroom men should always take the first or last urinal. Each subsequent male should take the farthest urinal from anyone already there. This continues until there is no longer a buffer between urinals. Men then have a choice of either violating the urinal buffer zone or using the stall. Most will violate the zone unless they are a sufferer of shy bladder, those men choose the stall in this instance and will choose the stall almost everytime they are in the bathroom. They have a problem and men should not think less of them.
If anyone looks at you while at the urinal, you should immediately look away. Never make eye contact! If anyone takes a gaggle over the separation wall, you should put away the beast and leave immediately or move to a different urinal or better yet, a stall as you will probably be pretty shook up. There shall be no talking. However if you are at a sporting event and the person next to you is drunk and trying to make conversation, it is acceptable to talk because the offending male will feel much remorse and personal failure the next day when he remembers what he did.
Now if you are stuck in the buffer zone, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, think about stage fright. Much like premature ejaculation, the more you think about it, the more likely it happens. If, for some reason you do get stage fright (Someone talks to you or looks at you) it should not be seen as abnormal or a threat to your manhood. It is a natural reaction and can be overcome by multiplying large numbers in your head or reciting sports statistics. Occasionally a tension breaker like running water will help. Sometimes, if the male next to you has the dreaded fright, it is acceptable to give them a flush of your urinal to break the tension. However, you should never flush your own urinal before unzipping, this not only informs others of your recurring fright problem but also jinxes you to have it right then. Use the multiplication or hope for the helpful flush. If fright is exacerbated and you are unable to go it is ok to act like you did and go back later. This "Get out of jail free card" can only be used every so often. If it becomes a regular occurrence, you need to start using the stall.
Stall etiquette is a little trickier because males tend to think that they have diplomatic immunity when no one can see them. Therefore a few rules are generally accepted by males. The first is you should lift the seat if urinating. How would you like to sit in someone else's piss? This rule is bendable if the seat has a drip cutout in the front and it is ok to use your foot to lift. Another faux pas is not using the ass gasket. This sailor hat is there not only to give you piece of mind while sitting on it but also to give you the knowledge that the last hairy bastard in there was not "ass to porcelain." Of course, the courtesy flush is always in force and must be recognized at all times. This isn't your home and your wife isn't around, therefore there is no reason to expose others to your "Brand". Remember, this is not your home so there is a de facto 3 minute rule. Whatever cannot be accomplished in that time frame, is not important enough to do in a stall. Be courteous to your fellow man. Finally, flush early and flush often.
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