I love my office building. As I am walking out the front door, a rather large woman was talking on her cell phone and managed to walk into the glass window next to the door. Besides the obvious reaction of laughing jovially in front of her, I also had a thought that how can we expect people to drive a car while talking on a phone when real life evidence says they can’t even talk and walk at the same time.
This spawned a new theory. There are two types of bad cell phone people. The first and most obvious group is women, all of them. Women literally use their entire brain while talking. They pick up on everything from words to intonation to the person’s breath, all while noticing the shoes they’re wearing. Which means that women have zero capacity left in their brains to do anything but listen.
The second group is men, all of them. You see, men only use about 1/18th of their brain when having a conversation. This leaves them with a lot of excess capacity while on the phone. However there are a few other essential functions that a man’s brain must also do at the same time. 1/5th is used to continually process how their sports team is going to make the playoffs. 1/8th is used to think about what food he ate is causing his funky gastrol issues. 1/10th is used by his finger which is currently in either his nose or ear. 1/12th is used by his eyes that are staring at what looks to be a nice piece of ass down the street, but in actuality is a 200lb trannie. 1/6th is used to replay each mind-blowing twist and turn on My Name Is Earl last night. The remaining 3/4ths are used to think about porn or their last failed sexual encounter.
You may notice that those numbers don’t quite add up. You’re wrong. At least that’s what I am told by women who swear men aren’t as smart as they think.
Tuesday, September 26
Random Rhetoricals II
I am so glad my tax dollars go towards putting annoying, chirping speakers on every street corner so that the blind can cross the street. Blind people, getting hit by cars at intersections was at an all time high.
Thank God that the FAA lifted the ban on liquids. My hands were bruised and bloody from constantly having to go palm one out in the lavatory sans Jergens.
Kurt Cobain was the greatest American Singer to ever stick a shotgun in his mouth.
Why do people call it a “Short Bus”? From all the ones I have seen, they are about the same height as a normal bus. Maybe we should call them the “Not-So-Long Bus”.
Thank God that the FAA lifted the ban on liquids. My hands were bruised and bloody from constantly having to go palm one out in the lavatory sans Jergens.
Kurt Cobain was the greatest American Singer to ever stick a shotgun in his mouth.
Why do people call it a “Short Bus”? From all the ones I have seen, they are about the same height as a normal bus. Maybe we should call them the “Not-So-Long Bus”.
Monday, September 25
Life in a Bag
Continuing on my recent theme of food and it's quirky tendencies; I have noticed a new phenomonon regarding Chex Mix. Upon opening a bag, notice that there is a pecular secular tendency.
For example, the actual Chex, whether white, yellow or brown tend to group together. They are the peace-knicks of the bag with their fake tolerance and their smug little attitude.
However the large snack crackers tend to always be by themselves. I think they are most likely the Goth kids of the bag, always depressed and alone.
Next up we have the Rye Chips. They are definitely the stoners of the mix. First they are always in pairs, second they like to hide in the darkest reaches of the bag and they are always laying down for naps.
The garlic sticks seem to chill with everyone and they have interesting markings that appear to be the same for all of them but are just slightly different. I call them the sluts of the bag because they have been next to every other shape and the markings remind me of how every slut has the same tattoo on their lower back.
The pretzels are a little trickier. The circle ones are of the "Alternative" lifestyle. They are supposed to hang out only with the square pretzels but instead they choose to "Party" with the garlic sticks (Note how easily one gets stuck in the other). The square ones, noticing that the round ones don't want to do the natural thing, live a lonely life filled with jergens lotion and National Geographics.
For example, the actual Chex, whether white, yellow or brown tend to group together. They are the peace-knicks of the bag with their fake tolerance and their smug little attitude.
However the large snack crackers tend to always be by themselves. I think they are most likely the Goth kids of the bag, always depressed and alone.
Next up we have the Rye Chips. They are definitely the stoners of the mix. First they are always in pairs, second they like to hide in the darkest reaches of the bag and they are always laying down for naps.
The garlic sticks seem to chill with everyone and they have interesting markings that appear to be the same for all of them but are just slightly different. I call them the sluts of the bag because they have been next to every other shape and the markings remind me of how every slut has the same tattoo on their lower back.
The pretzels are a little trickier. The circle ones are of the "Alternative" lifestyle. They are supposed to hang out only with the square pretzels but instead they choose to "Party" with the garlic sticks (Note how easily one gets stuck in the other). The square ones, noticing that the round ones don't want to do the natural thing, live a lonely life filled with jergens lotion and National Geographics.
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