Playing the Percentages

I love my office building. As I am walking out the front door, a rather large woman was talking on her cell phone and managed to walk into the glass window next to the door. Besides the obvious reaction of laughing jovially in front of her, I also had a thought that how can we expect people to drive a car while talking on a phone when real life evidence says they can’t even talk and walk at the same time.

This spawned a new theory. There are two types of bad cell phone people. The first and most obvious group is women, all of them. Women literally use their entire brain while talking. They pick up on everything from words to intonation to the person’s breath, all while noticing the shoes they’re wearing. Which means that women have zero capacity left in their brains to do anything but listen.

The second group is men, all of them. You see, men only use about 1/18th of their brain when having a conversation. This leaves them with a lot of excess capacity while on the phone. However there are a few other essential functions that a man’s brain must also do at the same time. 1/5th is used to continually process how their sports team is going to make the playoffs. 1/8th is used to think about what food he ate is causing his funky gastrol issues. 1/10th is used by his finger which is currently in either his nose or ear. 1/12th is used by his eyes that are staring at what looks to be a nice piece of ass down the street, but in actuality is a 200lb trannie. 1/6th is used to replay each mind-blowing twist and turn on My Name Is Earl last night. The remaining 3/4ths are used to think about porn or their last failed sexual encounter.

You may notice that those numbers don’t quite add up. You’re wrong. At least that’s what I am told by women who swear men aren’t as smart as they think.