"The Code" or The Male's Guide to Public Bathrooms

Male bathroom etiquette.

As men, we are looked upon as animals by women when it comes to our bathroom behavior. However, as most men know, there is a strict code of conduct in public restrooms that must be followed. Women tend to think our bathrooms are worse than theirs. Have you men ever been in a women's bathroom? Trust me, it's not the hot, sexy place you dreamed about in your teens. To keep up our standards we must make sure the code is followed strictly. If you see someone violating the code it is perfectly polite to reprimand them gently. Here my friends is "The Code."

It is never acceptable to talk, make eye contact, or even acknowledge another man once you are past the imaginary line that separates the wash area from the penial exposure area. Once safely in the wash zone, it is ok to nod, say hello, or make very casual conversation. This should be kept to a minimum though. If your cell phone rings, DO NOT answer it. You are not that important and you will be ridiculed by any other men in the bathroom. Besides, the person on the other end will know exactly what you're doing. After your business is done, if you are in a disgusting facility, it is ok to not wash your hands if the only thing you touched was yourself. If you did not use your foot to flush, you must wash.

When entering the bathroom men should always take the first or last urinal. Each subsequent male should take the farthest urinal from anyone already there. This continues until there is no longer a buffer between urinals. Men then have a choice of either violating the urinal buffer zone or using the stall. Most will violate the zone unless they are a sufferer of shy bladder, those men choose the stall in this instance and will choose the stall almost everytime they are in the bathroom. They have a problem and men should not think less of them.

If anyone looks at you while at the urinal, you should immediately look away. Never make eye contact! If anyone takes a gaggle over the separation wall, you should put away the beast and leave immediately or move to a different urinal or better yet, a stall as you will probably be pretty shook up. There shall be no talking. However if you are at a sporting event and the person next to you is drunk and trying to make conversation, it is acceptable to talk because the offending male will feel much remorse and personal failure the next day when he remembers what he did.

Now if you are stuck in the buffer zone, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, think about stage fright. Much like premature ejaculation, the more you think about it, the more likely it happens. If, for some reason you do get stage fright (Someone talks to you or looks at you) it should not be seen as abnormal or a threat to your manhood. It is a natural reaction and can be overcome by multiplying large numbers in your head or reciting sports statistics. Occasionally a tension breaker like running water will help. Sometimes, if the male next to you has the dreaded fright, it is acceptable to give them a flush of your urinal to break the tension. However, you should never flush your own urinal before unzipping, this not only informs others of your recurring fright problem but also jinxes you to have it right then. Use the multiplication or hope for the helpful flush. If fright is exacerbated and you are unable to go it is ok to act like you did and go back later. This "Get out of jail free card" can only be used every so often. If it becomes a regular occurrence, you need to start using the stall.

Stall etiquette is a little trickier because males tend to think that they have diplomatic immunity when no one can see them. Therefore a few rules are generally accepted by males. The first is you should lift the seat if urinating. How would you like to sit in someone else's piss? This rule is bendable if the seat has a drip cutout in the front and it is ok to use your foot to lift. Another faux pas is not using the ass gasket. This sailor hat is there not only to give you piece of mind while sitting on it but also to give you the knowledge that the last hairy bastard in there was not "ass to porcelain." Of course, the courtesy flush is always in force and must be recognized at all times. This isn't your home and your wife isn't around, therefore there is no reason to expose others to your "Brand". Remember, this is not your home so there is a de facto 3 minute rule. Whatever cannot be accomplished in that time frame, is not important enough to do in a stall. Be courteous to your fellow man. Finally, flush early and flush often.