What I hate about you....

Some call me narcissistic. Others claim I am cynical. My therapist says I am maladjusted. I say I'm a realist.

How does this affect you? It doesn't.

Society as a whole is pretty pathetic. I don't lump myself into society because I am so much more intelligent, witty, and open minded than all of you. Of course I have my opinions but they are based on facts, which essentially makes them facts in and of themselves. So what separates an incredible philosopher like myself from the average Joe dumbass? Here is a list of reasons why I hate you.

You use cliches and over used slang all the time. Is it that hard to come up with something new? Are you that large of an asshat? Can't you like, possibly like, try and like, find a like, new way to like talk that isn't like your soon to be unemployed, ignoramus, friends?

You're mindless drones. You see something on TV more than once and it must be true. You watch the evening news and think that Brian Williams is telling you the truth. Brian doesn't give a furry gerbil about you. The next monkey that tries to debate me by using information from a newspaper or network news, will get a face full of feces.

You think I care about the car you drive? No, I care about the car I drive. As in, will it break down on me, do I need to put gas in it, or does it smell like a men's locker? Congratulation on the purchase of those super-duper cool 24" rims. What did those set you back, $4k? Maybe next time you can just give me the money and I can kick you in the balls. At least you'll have a story to tell about it.

You're cell phone habits. I don't care that you have friends to talk to on the phone. It just means that you either have lazy, needy, or unemployed friends. Next time you want to tell your girlfriend about the venereal disease you caught last weekend, do it in the privacy of your home.

Your ugly kids. My kid is cute. In fact he will probably be a model some day. However your kids are ugly. Please, don't try and show me pictures of your kids. It will only make you feel stupid when you see mine. No one cares about the sea-donkey that you and your spouse created in a drunken stupor. There's also a 50% chance that one of you is not the real parent.

I could go on forever with this list. Maybe this will be a regular feature here. Or maybe not, it just makes me hate you even more.