"Results Not Typical"

Match.com is the greatest thing to happen to single losers since the invention of alcohol. Yet, among these millions of desperate neophytes there are only a few lucky winners. Just watch the commercials. You have an older gentleman who is obviously on his sixth marriage telling you about the benefits of internet dating and how their 62 million question test can match you with your sole mate. Sounds great, no? Then they show the 2 couples in all of Match.com history that have actually gotten married. Note that in small lawyer type at the bottom of the screen it says "Results Not Typical". Wait. You have developed this incredible system and the ultimate goal that every one of the pathetic members want is a long term relationship and in your own words, the results are not typical. Let's take a quick break for a second.

Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, South Beach, the Tapeworm Diet, et al, have the same premise. They show you before pictures of a woman, 300 pounds, sitting on the couch and stuffing her piehole with peanut M&M's. Usually this is a black & White photo as it accentuates rolls. Then they show the after shot. It looks like a Starshots spread with makeup, trendy clothes and a provocative pose. Once again, in size 6 font, is that phrase, "Results Not Typical". So let me get this straight. I pay you tons of money, follow the program, and these results are not typical?

Now here is my conspiracy theory. I think the dating sites and the weight loss companies are in cahoots. Think about it. In order to start dating and have a one in a million shot at the non-typical results, you must be presentable to the opposite sex. And let's be honest, Oreo cookie crumbs and moo-moos are not at the top of the list of sexy things. So first you spend the money to lose the weight and shockingly it works. You are looking great and, riding that high, put up the ultimate bait and switch ad on Match.com. It takes a few days before you get that first reply but what a glorious feeling. You start to nurture a few relations online and after a few weeks, you have your first real date. Here's the problem. After finishing the grueling diet and hitting your goal, you celebrate by falling off the ice cream and bon-bon wagon. So 4 weeks later, right before your date, you realize you don't fit into your "Skinny Clothes" anymore. You can't go on that date looking the way you do, so you cancel it and get Jenny Craig on the phone. Soon your match.com ad expires and your back to square one.

I have a hunch that the internet dating companies and the weight loss companies are all a part of a global conglomerate looking to take over the world. OPEC has nothing on these corporations. The only thing more important to Americans than their SUV's and mommy vans, is their desire to be skinny and loved. The thing that sets the conspiracy off is that when you get screwed at the gas pump, you get upset. However the entire goal of internet dating and weight loss is to get screwed.

So I propose that everybody who wants to try Weight Watchers or Match.com simply mail $1,000 to me. I will take this money, buy a plane ticket to your town, ring your doorbell, and kick you in the crotch. In the end you will be richer and go through less pain.