Sherlock Has Nothing on J-Ro

One of my most disdainful things in the corporate world is the company kitchen. First off, most offices don’t have a place to eat but they frown on you eating at your desk. Of course they also frown on you being gone for an hour whilst you gnaw on a crusty sandwich from the deli down the street. I, being the frugal guy I am, always bring in my lunch. Not so much because I am cheap but because I am too lazy to think of somewhere to go for lunch. Takes too much effort to round up the troops and actually agree on a place to go. Another habit I have is bringing something for breakfast. I get in way too early to have time to eat at home so I bring in the occasional bag of bagels or breakfast bar.

Thus brings the mystery of “Who ate my motherfucking bagels?”. When my lovely wife or I hit the grocery store, I always grab a bag of bagels. Preferably Lender’s pre-sliced plain bagels (Blueberry if I am feeling spunky). I take the whole bag to work and keep it in the fridge for the week. Being a normal, common sense type person, I assume I can trust people to not eat my food. And in the past that has always been the case. Then the unthinkable happens, someone ate 3 of my bagels in one day. I can understand an occasional grabbing of the wrong lunch but there were no other bagels in the fridge at the time. I proceeded to eat the last bagel and put a note on the empty bag saying “Thank you for eating my bagels, I was on a diet and didn’t need the extra calories” and put it back in the fridge. A couple hours later I notice the bag in the trash. Obviously Sir “Eat My Bagels” had read it and wanted to hide the evidence of his horrid crime. Like a mass murderer bleaching his house, this person wanted to bury the crime.

Fast forward to today. I don’t have my beloved bagels and thusly decide to eat an early lunch. When I get to the kitchen, a fellow employee is doing the same. This individual is, to say the least, skating on thin ice as far as his employment is concerned. He mentions he didn’t eat breakfast either and was starving. So we started talking about eating lunch out of vending machines and my college lunches that consisted of a box of Thin Mints. He then mentioned he once was starving in the morning and ate someone’s bagels out of the fridge. My ears pin back immediately and like the proverbial tea kettle, my blood begins to boil. However, I remain calm until he blurts out, “The person left me a mean note on the bag”. So I asked him how many he ate. He responded with “About three, I was starving.” I have yet to determine the end to this debauchery but I do like my revenge lightly seared with some Salmonella on the inside. I’ll keep you posted.