The New Coke

I am a self-proclaimed energy drink junkee. I have tried just about every one of them and feel I am informed enough to have an opinion about them. Not that I don’t have an opinion on everything and my opinion is actually more of a fact but I digress. Here is what I don’t understand about them; why are they so expensive? Red Bull is the quintessential drink and the leader in pricing. It is at least 2 bucks at any convenience store (Yes I know you can get it at Costco for less but I don’t need 24 of them right now) for an 8 ounce can. That’s $32 for a gallon. I can fill up my fucking car full of premium gas for less than that. Must be the shortage of taurine in the world.

Why is there such a discrepancy in size? You can get 8 ounces all the way up to 24 ounces in a can. Yet they all seem to have the same amount of energy crap in them. If I want 24 ounces of fluid in my body, it better be jagermeister or kool-aid (The most underappreciated drink of all time). Plus they have the dumbest names. NOS, Monster, Pimp Juice, Red Bull, Rockstar, Power Trip, Go-Girl, Wired, Green Dragon, and so on. What the fuck is Pimp Juice? Reminds me of a gene shower, from a velvet stick man, with some high top stilettos, and feather boa. NOS? I would rather have some real nitrous and it’s probably cheaper. Go-Girl? Is that what guys drink before going to the Blue Oyster for some cosmos? Rockstar is probably the only aptly named one. When you crash from that 24 ounce Rockstar you downed at lunch, you feel just like a coked out rocker who found himself curled up on the bathroom marble, with his finger in some groupies ass.