Heaven on a bun

This will most likely be the first in a long list of stories I will be posting about my recent trip to Americas heartland. A place where they eat deep fried cows stuffed with deep fried cheese and wrapped in deep fried bacon with a deep fried Snickers bar for dessert.

During the week long trip, I not only flew 4,000 miles but drove over 1,000 miles all over Wisconsin. At one point I pulled off the road to use the bathroom at a McDonalds about 10 miles outside of a city (I use the term city loosely. Also, if you aren’t in the center of a city, you are in the deep country). The first thing I notice is that the parking lot is free of 48oz soda spills, straw wrappers, and dirty diapers. In California we call these items breadcrumbs so you know how to get to the McDonalds or Wal-Mart. After walking through this urban meadow I get to the door and nearly knock my teeth out on the window. There in front of me is a full on replica of a Lake Tahoe living room complete with leather couches, marble floors, a freaking fireplace, and the motherload…..a 50+ inch plasma television. There, right in the McDonalds. In California, if your neighbor even knows you have a plasma TV, they’ll steal it, and yet there was one out in the wild. It didn’t even have a chain on it.

After the nice gray haired gentleman resuscitated me, I went to use the bathroom. Once again Ronald slaps me with luxury. Travertine floors, LCD panels in front of the urinals, toilet paper, and the cus de gras…..a real mirror. Not a shiny piece of metal but a real mirror. I thought restroom mirrors went the way of the dodo bird or Michael Richard’s career. I felt like a great explorer discovering something super cool. I was so impressed I actually got hungry and decided to get something to eat while I was there.

I walked around to the front of the restaurant and couldn’t help but notice how clean it was. I stepped up to order and person listened to me and actually took my order. Then she actually counted out my change. I walked to the soda fountain stupefied when I saw nothing. That’s right, no wrappers, no used lids, no spilled soda, no mold in the tray, and no rude customers. The soda fountain steel was shinier than the steel bathroom mirrors back home. Before I knew it, my order was ready. It was fresh. Not, it’s only been sitting around for 10 minutes fresh but just made fresh. I opened it up and the food looked like real food. The chicken was real, the lettuce was real, and the cheese was real (Maybe it was Wisconsin cheese, just made for me that morning).

I walked aimlessly outside to my trusty steed. I felt like I was just slapped by the softest most wonderful pillow in the world. One that smelled of clean mountain air and French fries. This, my friends, was heaven on earth. Thank you Ronald, Hamburgler, Grimace, and most of all the man in charge, Mayor McCheese.