Put it Down Monkey

This one has been beaten to death but I still don’t think the dancing monkeys have quite caught on yet. When you are piloting your 4,000 lb motorized vehicle you should put the cellular telephone down. I don’t know how else to say this so it won’t just rattle around your melon and fall back out the other side. This is not a gender specific problem. Everyone knows that most women think they can do sixteen things at once, better than a man can do one. That’s fine, it keeps me from having to do things like laundry and listening. But it takes 101% of the same woman’s brain to drive. When you insert talking, which they also put 101% into, we have an algebraic abnormality.

Case in point: I am maneuvering through a grocery store parking lot. This is dangerous territory for anyone. Kids running out into the road, cars backing out that can’t see, and beautiful melons in everyone’s carts, are all hazards to a driver. So I stop to turn left into an aisle and here comes some lesbo Oompa Loompa, in her soccer mom Suburban, jibber-jabbering on her mobile device, who is looking to turn into the same aisle from the opposite direction. Obviously she has the right of way, so I yield, until she swings so wide that she nearly takes the smile off the front of my car. After some screaming, honking and finger waving, she notices me and barely misses sending my car to the dentist for a root canal. Get off the phone you stupid whore. Is that conversation worth you buying me a new bumper? I think your butch lover can wait until later to hear about your, soon to be made fun of throughout school, adopted son’s soccer game. You know the one that he never plays in but thinks he’s an all-star. The one that he will get a trophy for at the end of the season even though the only thing he won all season was a bag of chips and a juice box at the end of each humiliating defeat.

Men are right there too. Just in a different way. Normally men tune out what is being said on the other side of the phone. But on occasion they have to pay attention. This just means that they are gay, no biggie. However it is a big deal to other drivers. When they are concentrating on listening, all of their driving skills are sapped away in the same manner as a woman’s. Also men are stupid and think they look cool with their head cocked way over like a dog looking puzzled. This not only diverts their attention from the road but makes it appear crooked, leading to unintended lane changes and accidents.

So when the phone rings and you are driving, don’t just pick it up. You don’t have to be the monkey that dances when you are told. There is no weird dude chained to you making you turn the meat grinder for spare change. Let the phone continue to ring and call them back later. You are not that fucking important. What’s funny is that the people who aren’t important jump on every incoming call while the truly important people let everything go to voicemail. So go pull a P-Diddy and drive without talking. I know you can do it. Now dance monkey!