Be Aware in the Concrete Jungle

I have made it a habit to pick up my kid from school as close to the dismissal time as possible. Not because I don’t like waiting but because I pretty much hate people. One of the parents of a kid in my son’s class is one of those sea-donkeys that can’t keep her fat piehole shut. She is of the species Cantshutyourmouthapus, which is a mix of a large flapping yap and a hippopotamus. This species tends to live in and around schools, grocery store lines, the mall, and if you are cursed, next to your cubicle at work. Beware of them; they can’t look quite tame until you come within earshot. Then they emit a sound-wave that impairs the victim long enough for the Cantshutyourmouthapus to feast on the soul of the victim.

This particular Cantshutyourmouthapus picks off victims at random as they walk past the classroom door. One day I was outside of her lethal zone, and observing her in her natural habitat. An unsuspecting victim walked by with a 3 year old in tow. Unfortunately the child placed the victim within striking distance when he yelled “Mommy, I have to go pee-pee.” The mom responded with “Were going now.” With which he replied “No we’re not”. Like a crocodile lunging at a deer drinking from a river, Cantshutyourmouthapus struck. “They can be so defiant at that age.” This was like a lure used by a Venus Fly Trap. The mom took the bait and glanced at her. WHAM! Due to FCC regulations, I cannot describe the carnage that ensued. Let’s just say that the mom will have to learn how to stand up and pee if she wants to avoid the lifelong use of a catheter.

So please people, if you see the Cantshutyourmouthapus in the wild, do not approach it. Your best cause of defense is to always keep a chocolate bar in you pocket or a DVD of the latest Oprah Show. When spotted, throw either towards the Cantshutyourmouthapus and run in the opposite direction.